So I went on this website to see when I'd die.
The Internet, being the general purveyor of naked people and random crotch shots, can also tell you how long you'll have to live.
You simply enter a little personal data. You type in your age, history of disease in your family and, generally, how out of shape you are.
I'll admit I had a bit of trouble coming up with the most-accurate figures. If you're like me, you gauge your general health not by mechanical means, but rather by measuring the amount of gasps it takes to heave the pants on.
As long as I'm not winded getting out of bed, I'm in peak running order, I'd say.
Keeping in mind that everything the Internet tells me is absolutely true, then according to the results from this "When Will I Die?" website, I have another 43 years to live.
Isn't that awesome?
This totally means I can just go absolutely hog-wild until then! From bungee jumping off the Hoover Dam, to crates of Mojos and ringing the bell inside the '98 on a Friday afternoon, I can do anything I want. I'm invulnerable!
I should join a volunteer fire-fighter squad. Do they call them squads?
I would like to assure all the fine citizens of the Yukon that I'll be using these powers of quasi-immortality purely for good, not evil.
To quote the sage Mike Ellis: /sarcasm off.
You know and I know the countless websites like these that serve our need for a little reality time-out. We fully know that the time we spend entering the details of our lives into online quizzes isn't a soul-searching exercise.
Though, I have to admit, anything that helps you play with the idea of your own mortality in a fun way, has got to get a thumbs-up from me!
Every single one of us can agree that death is the biggest downer of them all. There is no getting around that inevitability.
But if some small pocket of the interweb offers up a couple of chuckles along the way, why not take them?
I know what I speak of. Italians carry a lot of black in their wardrobe. Not a good sign of healthy death coping mechanisms.
I've never had much of a fear of dying, but I got lucky on that part, depending on how you look at it.
My childhood in the eastern Ontarian boonies came with the usual colloquial tales of rabbit hunting, fishing and the fast-paced barn ecosystem. For the most part, it's a universal truth. The cycle of life spins really fast on the farm. There's a lot of stuff keeling over in the country.
Growing up around that equals less anxiety about kicking the bucket – and spending far too much time on unquantifiable quizzes.
I'll never know exactly how long I have left to keep on cranking out pithy musings about the Internet, but I think I've gathered up enough of a sense of humour to greet the end with a smile.
Or a smiley with its tongue out.