Humour

Give a dog a bone – Part 2

I’ve had some tough times in my life, but fighting a dog over a bone was about the toughest. End of that story.

Give a dog a bone – Part 1

I’ve had some tough times in my life, but fighting a dog over a bone was about the toughest. Pull up a stump and I’ll fill you in.

If you visit Old Crow

If you visit Old Crow Sadie will take you to the mall Mason will show you the traffic lights Abbie will take you on the elevator…

Spring Cleaning

I shovel dog poop. I shovel moose poop. I shovel caribou poop. I shovel rabbit poop. I shovel wolf poop. I shovel squirrel poop. I shovel ptarmigan poop. I shovel marten poop. I shovel lynx poop. I shovel sheep poop. I shovel crow poop. I shovel weasel poop. I shovel wolverine poop. I shovel mink …

Spring Cleaning Read More »

Didoo survived without these things

Didoo survived without an electric knife. Didoo survived without an electric kettle. Didoo survived without a microwave. Didoo survived without a toaster. Didoo survived without a dryer. Didoo survived without a washer. Didoo survived without a vacuum cleaner. Didoo survived without an electric toothbrush. Didoo survived without an electric egg beater. Didoo survived without an …

Didoo survived without these things Read More »

I Always Get High

I get high when I snowshoe. I get high when I canoe. I get high when I mush dogs. I get high when I bike. I get high when I run. I get high when I skate. I get high when I ski. I get high when I fiddle. I get high when I cut …

I Always Get High Read More »

My Bucket List

I have to pack a bucket of water for Eliza Steamboat I have to pack a bucket of water for Robert Steamboat I have to pack a bucket of water for Sarh Baalam I have to pack a bucket of water for Old Baalam I have to pack a bucket of water for Myra Kay …

My Bucket List Read More »

The twice-caught fish

This is a story about an Ontario Northern pike that was caught twice on the same day by two different anglers.

Reaching out for that long-distance feeling

I just finished a long-distance chat with my nephew. Really long-distance; he lives in Hong Kong. The line was clear, and the conversation lasted nearly an hour. The cost to each of us? Not a single penny.

Inside Didee’s Purse & Didoo’s Purse

Inside Didee’s Purse You’ll find his knife. You’ll find his Bible. You’ll find his matches. You’ll find his rope. You’ll find his pipe. You’ll find his snuff. You’ll find his cup. You’ll find his bandana. You’ll find his Vicks. You’ll find his candle. You’ll find his rosin. You’ll find his snares. You’ll find his traps. …

Inside Didee’s Purse & Didoo’s Purse Read More »

Didee & Didoo: Politics

They just like to play games They call each other names. Some of them look glad An’ some of them look mad. Their talk is so sweet But they don’t like defeat. Sometimes they do sin So that they will win. They don’t like to lose They wait for good news. The other party is …

Didee & Didoo: Politics Read More »

Didee and Didoo – Gwichin Warrior

There’s a peaceful little townOn the banks of the river.Where the wolf an’ the caribou roamThat’s where he calls his home.In summer there’s no nightsDays are shorter in the winter time.Under the northern lightsHe dances his blues away. CHORUS:He’s a Gwichin warriorOld Crow Yukon is his home.Graceful like an eagleThe apple of his Mommie’s eye.He’s …

Didee and Didoo – Gwichin Warrior Read More »

Trolls and ogresses for Christmas

Christmas promises to be white as a Bing Crosby croons. As we Canadians hunker down for the Yuletide to come, let us raise a wassail bowl to the fact we don’t live in Iceland.

The lost camel of an ancient Persian fairy tale

In Persia, there once was a wise king with three sons. He mock-banished the young princes from his kingdom so they could go out and test themselves against the dangers of the real world. Their journey became a fairy tale known as “The Three Princes of Serendip.”

Words are a writer’s tool box

People who write a lot have different perspectives and relationships with words than those who simply read or say them. If the pen is truly mightier than the sword, (as said English author Edward Bulwer-Lytton in 1839), a writer’s tools could be favourably compared to the mightiest of weapons if he or she was out …

Words are a writer’s tool box Read More »

The writing’s on the wall…

They’re ookey and they’re spooky …  and perhaps one of the ookiest and spookiest of the household was Thing T. Thing, the disembodied hand affectionately known as “Thing” on The Addams Family. (Baby boomers reading this now have The Addams Family finger-snapping theme song playing in their grey matter). “Thank you, Thing” was heard often as Thing was …

The writing’s on the wall… Read More »

Not my circus…

Josephine explores where people started giving up their circus Send in the … elephants. I can’t help it; as a little girl I disliked clowns. And I didn’t trust them. What child doesn’t love a clown? I think it had something to do with their makeup and that I really couldn’t “read” them. And while …

Not my circus… Read More »

In the right sauce, mine could be a corpus delicious

Ken starts talking about pushing up… mushrooms Never, in any previous column, have I considered the need to provide a trigger warning. Regular visitors to Geezerville are generally mature, clear-minded and emotionally stable enough to put up with whatever nonsense I spill into this 450-word frame. Nevertheless, I recognize that certain subjects are sensitive for some …

In the right sauce, mine could be a corpus delicious Read More »

Online connections

In the old days–good or otherwise–interpersonal connections were via letter or phone or face-to-face. Now there are any number of interactions that can take place online and can lead to connections with real people. For example, Facebook, where you can use your trigger finger to like what you see. You may get a momentary buzz of …

Online connections Read More »

In praise of those who actually know what they’re doing

This morning, Kyle showed up with his bulging leather tool belt, his cordless shop vacuum, and a clutch of 16x25x1 furnace filters. It’s one of those annual rituals I’ve come to both welcome and dread. As sure as fallen leaves and frosty pumpkins, a visit from Kyle heralds the unofficial beginning of the season that lies …

In praise of those who actually know what they’re doing Read More »

Taking flibberties with the (Widdle) English language

How do you solve a problem like “flibbertigibbet?” Unless you had a grandmother like mine, that’s a word you’d probably never heard before Oscar Hammerstein II used it to describe a postulant manquée named Maria in a musical he and Richard Rodgers wrote about a plucky family of Austrian warblers. It’s a fabulous word, especially when one pairs it …

Taking flibberties with the (Widdle) English language Read More »

Deals with the Anaatquuq

As a musician, you put yourself out there in the public and you have to be ready to appease your fans. That means answering questions after the show. The most common question I get is, “How long have you been playing?” Well, I’m here to tell you, I don’t know. It seems music has always …

Deals with the Anaatquuq Read More »

Here’s mud in your eye…

I had cataract surgery; you know, where they pop out your lens and pop in a new and improved one. Out with the old, in with the new and all in a matter of minutes. The thought of a scalpel in my eye was a bit unnerving—heart-pounding, actually—as well it should be. After all, we’re …

Here’s mud in your eye… Read More »

You talking to her?

“When you haveit flat tire, you throwit over there and you takeit spare tire from that pile. Every three days you takeit air filter out of car and you putit on dirty air filter pile and then you grabit filter from clean filter pile and putit in car. It’s your job to wash cab, you …

You talking to her? Read More »

Another opening, et cetera

Ken is back producing a performance on the stage of big dreams Six hours after I email this column to Danny Macdonald, and long before you read it in What’s Up Yukon, these words by Cole Porter from the 1948 Broadway smash, Kiss Me, Kate, will be part of my remembered experience:  The overture is about to …

Another opening, et cetera Read More »

Chain of demand

I arrived in Inuvik for the first time in early July 1972. What first struck me as I toured the town was A) the 24 hours of sunlight and B) how closed off the town felt without a highway. It felt like even more of a no man’s land when I looked at it from …

Chain of demand Read More »

A Tuk load of memories

I was back home in Inuvik this summer and I took the opportunity to drive to Tuk for the first time. It always hits close to the bone whenever I am there.   The first time I went to Tuk, I was 12 years old. We were whaling at East Whitefish Station at the mouth of …

A Tuk load of memories Read More »

No blues for this bootlegger

One afternoon, in the mid-70s in Inuvik, I was looking for some oddball thing for my vehicle. I looked almost everywhere and then I decided to go see John, a local who owned one of the taxi companies. I can’t remember if he helped me out or not, but I remember I stayed for awhile …

No blues for this bootlegger Read More »

This is what I think about that – Just saying

Opinions are like belly buttons. Everybody has one. Except Adam and Eve, reportedly. Even a casual glance at Facebook, Twitter, or similar social media platforms confirms a disturbing fact: opinions are actually far more numerous than belly buttons. Anyone can have an unlimited number of the former, but usually just one of the latter. Many …

This is what I think about that – Just saying Read More »

P and Q can make for some perky Saturday hookups

The last entry in this space provided a platform for a more-or-less true tale of undeserved punishment recalled (and still resented) from the mists of time. That column began with an innocent reference to the ancient wisdom about exercising care when using the letters ‘P’ or ‘Q’. While these are both perfectly serviceable, well-established members of …

P and Q can make for some perky Saturday hookups Read More »

Hours of sunlight

Whitehorse Sunrise at 10:51 a.m. My wife and I were in Mazatlán, Mexico earlier this year. The timing of the sunrise and sunset got me thinking about the differences in the Yukon and what effects this might have on people.  In Mazatlán, the length of the day on the summer solstice is just over 13.5 …

Hours of sunlight Read More »

Co-pilot for a day

One morning in the mid 1980s, a pilot named Fred came to my house. Since I had only met him on a few occasions at the coffee shop, I wondered why he had come to see me. After pleasantries, he explained that he had to fly to Sachs Harbour, but he had a problem. “What’s …

Co-pilot for a day Read More »

Homesick in Alberta

I was up in the Yukon last week working with Gwaandak Theatre on a series of radio plays based on legends from Old Crow. It was great to see all my Vuntut Gwich’in relatives and meet the famed Paul Kennedy from the CBC radio program, Ideas. He looks nothing like he sounds on radio. Is that …

Homesick in Alberta Read More »

The London Tower ravens

[two_third] You may have noticed the above quotation comes to you without attribution. That’s for good reason. Nobody seems to know who muttered it or even if it was ever uttered at all. The Tower ravens of London are arguably the most famous birds in history. They’re also the most difficult to explain because of …

The London Tower ravens Read More »

Paw-t smoking

Dogs under the influence of pot may simply lie asleep at irregular hours Lily is an energetic dog. At three months old, it was abnormal for her to sleep for three solid hours in the middle of the day. That was the first sign that something was off. The second was that, when owner Daniel …

Paw-t smoking Read More »

Sourdough Sams

Get to know your sourdoughs

Every year we hear about these Sourdough Sams, this “Call for the Cup,” and that the search for the “primo Yukon male” is on again, but what does any of that really mean?

The greatest living history in the North

I was walking through downtown Edmonton, the other day, when an old-timer in curled-up cowboy boots saddled up to me and bummed six bits off of me for a glass of draught. I was so happy to hear that particular vernacular that I almost gave him a hug.

Long johns—the cure for the common cold

These days, long johns are referred to as a “base layer” and are usually made from some very scientific-sounding material and come with a big, obvious logo to satisfy status-seekers.

Seed dreams are made of these

Here, as elsewhere, we’re on the January/February cusp. For all practical purposes, that means gardening season is still a few months off.

Didee & Didoo: My Echo

There’s nothing of him to touch And sometimes he talks too much. Sometimes I can hear my own voice An’ answering back is his own choice. He’s like an answering machine, But he has never been seen. He must be my twin brother ’Cause we sound like each other. I wonder if we look the …

Didee & Didoo: My Echo Read More »

At least I’m not a giraffe’s backside this time

The time-honoured English tradition of the Christmas pantomime (known affectionately as just “panto”) was not part of my childhood. For the benefit of those of us who weren’t weaned on this particular theatrical fare, it’s important to bear in mind various traditions, tropes, and stereotypes of an English-style panto.

Percolating with ‘the guys’

I work with federal inmates at an institution in central Alberta. And of all people, you would think they would know how to make coffee in an old-style coffee percolator. You know the ones … you put your coffee grounds in a round metal filter and place it onto a spigot that sends boiling water …

Percolating with ‘the guys’ Read More »

I concur: contrition may be consolatory

It’s confession time in Geezerville. I recently spent my allotted 450 words in this space musing about some of the beguiling delights to be found in the “be” section of the dictionary. Among other things, I wrote that the verb “to be” may be “substantive, copulative or auxiliary; sometimes active, sometimes passive, sometimes subjunctive.” Immediately …

I concur: contrition may be consolatory Read More »

Let be whatever may befall

To be, or not to be. For advocates of plain writing, Shakespeare’s most famous monologue is a touchstone. Its opening sentence consists of nine one-syllable words in a row, followed by one containing just two (depending on whether one reads “question” as two syllables or three). It’s a simple sentence, based on a four-letter infinitive …

Let be whatever may befall Read More »

Advice to the unwise: I have the questions, if you have the answers

One of the more interesting jobs I’ve ever held was hosting an open-line show (we secretly called it “open-mouth”) on a private radio station in Charlottetown, PEI. Unlike some parts of Canada—especially B.C., with its tradition of brash (often infuriating) talk-radio hosts such as Jack Webster, Raif Mair, Christy Clark and others, mid-’70s PEI was …

Advice to the unwise: I have the questions, if you have the answers Read More »

Serving laughs straight from the oven

The Whitehorse comedy scene is on a roll as of late. One of the events that has helped cultivate this resurgence has been Baked Laughs, the stand-up nights presented monthly at Baked Café.

Yukon See It Here: Tamara Neely

I found this giant squash for sale at Wyke’s Your Independent Grocer, and was amazed and impressed, because I had never seen such an enormous squash. It’s a 37-pound banana squash, and I wondered who would buy it, and how they would cook it. I went back the next day and found that it had …

Yukon See It Here: Tamara Neely Read More »

When I Go Camping

I always bring my piano. I always bring my TV. I always bring my computer. I always bring my microwave. I always bring my fridge. I always bring my couch. I always bring my vacuum cleaner. I always bring my toaster. I always bring my waterbed. I always bring my snow blower. I always bring …

When I Go Camping Read More »

The Birth of the Yukon Comedy Collective

The Yukon is about to get a whole lot funnier if Richard Eden has his way. Relatively new to the territory, Eden is the president and creator of The Yukon Comedy Collective – a new non-profit organisation that’s dedicated to providing top quality comedic events, activities and hospitality by exposing outside and homegrown talent as …

The Birth of the Yukon Comedy Collective Read More »

The humiliation of having a 5-cent timepiece

In the hyper-sensitive world of childhood, an ill-chosen word can sometimes have a devastating impact, even if no harm is intended. I’m not talking about the kind of taunting, bullying talk that was unfortunately common on the playgrounds of my youth and is still far too prevalent today. I mean a casual, harmless remark – often …

The humiliation of having a 5-cent timepiece Read More »

Calling both the pot and the kettle black

No matter how you wish to phrase it – “act in haste, repent in leisure” or “what goes around comes around” – the piper will eventually show up to demand payment. My wallet is considerably lighter this week because of one such lesson.

Debaters Bound

Whitehorse comedian Jenny Hamilton will be performing live on the CBC Radio One show The Debaters in North Vancouver on Nov. 22

The Wisdom of Yogi the Berra

Other than Samuel Clemens, who wrote as Mark Twain, few historical Americans are more oft-quoted than former New York Yankees catcher Yogi Berra, who died in 2015 at the age of 90, but will live forever for the things he said while he was alive. His only real competition as the best American malapropist was …

The Wisdom of Yogi the Berra Read More »

Heed the Lore When You’re on the Move

Until very recently, I had never heard the expression “hitchhiker’s thumb”. Oh sure, there was that weird guy in Grade 9 named Pete Moss, who had double-jointed thumbs. He also had a habit of turning his eyelids inside-out, a truly gory sight that the girls in the class generally found disgusting, but the boys considered …

Heed the Lore When You’re on the Move Read More »

Thoughts of Hitchhiking Sometimes Follow Strange Trails

One of my favourite pastimes is exploring the origins and meanings of common English words and expressions. Our language is such a hodge-podge (dare one say “hotchpotch”?) of thefts, borrowings and adaptations from others, that an etymologist can go haring down many a rabbit hole trying to plumb the depths of a simple phrase. English …

Thoughts of Hitchhiking Sometimes Follow Strange Trails Read More »

On Market Day, Everything Old is New Again

The way some people talk, you’d think farmers’ markets were a recent invention by eco-conscious millennials spurred to action by reading a book about the 100-mile diet. Nothing could be further from the truth. People have been hauling their goods to communal selling and trading places ever since humankind began the transition from hunting and …

On Market Day, Everything Old is New Again Read More »

Interview with Anonymous

Got a juicy story that you’re just aching to tell the world, but you don’t want your fellow Yukoners knowing who leaked it? You’re in luck. Because there’s a Facebook page for that. The salacious Whitehorse Confessions page is a never ending source of entertainment for your editor. Journalists by their very nature love a …

Interview with Anonymous Read More »

I Love the Smell of Perfume in the Morning

Which brings me to one of Canada’s neatest little music festivals. To protect my sources, I won’t identify it, except to say it has been an annual event in southeastern Ontario for more than four decades. But this year, the festival’s very existence may hang in the balance. Not because of financial irregularities. Not because …

I Love the Smell of Perfume in the Morning Read More »

There’s No Escaping: Family Is as Family Does

As family reunions go, the event I attended in Ontario’s Georgian Bay district on a recent weekend was a fairly small-scale affair. At its peak, a mere 24 people were in attendance. Officially, it wasn’t really a reunion, just a gathering in Canada’s quintessential cottage country to mark my oldest brother’s 80th birthday. Judging by …

There’s No Escaping: Family Is as Family Does Read More »

Too Curious George

He was a foundling on the streets of Edmonton – a golden cocker spaniel whose hair was so matted with burrs that much of it had to be shaved off. It was my 6-year-old daughter and two of her friends who brought him home, after he had attached himself to them on the playground. Of …

Too Curious George Read More »

Those Were the Days. They Still Are

The emptying-out of Yukon’s schools signals the official start of that much-anticipated annual ritual: the Summer Holiday. We all know the narrative arc of that story. For the first little while, the kids are bursting to be outside every moment of the day, burning off the pent-up energy held hostage inside the classroom for months. …

Those Were the Days. They Still Are Read More »

Surviving the Great Whitehorse Earthquake of 2017

Surprisingly it was not the earthquake that woke me up on the morning of Monday, May 1. It was the stunning one-two punch of the intense, standing-on-frozen-Lego agony of being barefoot on cold gravel, coupled with the mind blowing realization that I was indeed standing stark naked in my driveway and this was not a …

Surviving the Great Whitehorse Earthquake of 2017 Read More »

Shake Out Those Memories and Shine ’em Up

Until fairly recently, I had no interest whatever in the idea of writing a book of memoirs. Like most people, I assumed nobody would care to read about the life journey of a nobody-in-particular. After all, autobiography is the purview of politicians, movie stars, generals and other colourful scoundrels. If I ever had the hubris …

Shake Out Those Memories and Shine ’em Up Read More »

Just Planting a Seed Here, Folks

Somebody once said a gardener is just a philosopher with dirty hands and an aching back. Well, maybe nobody actually said that until I just did, but I believe it to be so. Of all life’s pursuits, few can match gardening when it comes to bringing body and soul together. Why? Because it’s hard to stay mad …

Just Planting a Seed Here, Folks Read More »

Is That Thing Called a Knick-knack, or Bric-a-brac?

Recently, I was meandering through my trusty Shorter Oxford English Dictionary (shorter, as in not quite as gargantuan as the Encyclopaedia Britannica). This is a habit I acquired in my youth, but indulge less frequently these days, usually when I’m trying to curb my morbid addiction to Facebook. I hadn’t probed far into this two-volume …

Is That Thing Called a Knick-knack, or Bric-a-brac? Read More »

So, Is Our Planet Round, or Flat?

Until a couple of years ago, there was a wonderfully entertaining fantasy writer by the name of Terry Pratchett. Perhaps there still is, somewhere on an alternate plane of reality, since Sir Terry Pratchett succumbed to Alzheimer’s disease in the Earth year of 2015 at the tender age of 66. Let me be clear: I …

So, Is Our Planet Round, or Flat? Read More »

My name is Chris. I am an Ontarian

I suffer jokes and insults & many others suffer the same fate, but we persevere. We understand that we are different. We are from Ontario.

Saving Time in the Grocery Line

Consider Murphy, whoever he was. When anything goes wrong, people assume it’s somehow his fault. Being a forgiving sort of guy, I try to give ol’ Murph the benefit of the doubt. Still, there are some situations in which I am convinced his famous Law, or one its many corollaries, is at work. Case in …

Saving Time in the Grocery Line Read More »

Faint Praise for a Coarse Cultivar

Three foods top my No Thanks list: schmaltz herring, Marmite and kale. My sole experience with schmaltz herring – basically, raw fish preserved in rancid chicken fat – was anything but a gustatory delight. I also tried Marmite once. I even sampled its malevolent cousin, Vegemite, during a visit Down Under. Ptooey. Fortunately, in this …

Faint Praise for a Coarse Cultivar Read More »

The opposable thumb was not actually a Canadian invention

Ask any randomly-selected group to name mankind’s greatest invention, most will probably say the wheel. Fire doesn’t count; it was discovered, not invented. If you ask about the second most important invention, the answers will range widely: the lever, the pulley, the cotton jenny, moveable type, the internal combustion engine. Someone will inevitably say sliced …

The opposable thumb was not actually a Canadian invention Read More »

’Tis The Examination Season

The student population studying for finals are fascinating creatures. Next, there is a dietary shift in students, where once semi-nutritious meals are replaced by caffeine and variants of sugar. The date of the finals attack can be characterized by the temporary nocturnal ability students will gain 1-2 days before the exam. These extra hours are …

’Tis The Examination Season Read More »

Giggle for a Good Cause

Laugh it up, because Jan 26th and 27th Ride for Dad presents its fourth annual comedy show at Coast High Country Inn. Featuring local acts Steve McGovern and Jenny Hamilton and imports Scott Belford and Kelly Taylor, the evening will feature drinks, laughs and a break from the winter doldrums. All proceeds from the event …

Giggle for a Good Cause Read More »

My Resolve to Resist Resolutions Is Resolute

With increased age comes increased wisdom. That’s the theory, anyway. Naturally, those who are still young find this notion ridiculous. How could anyone be wiser than a 16-year-old?  During my multiple revolutions around the Sun, I have acquired a prodigious amount of knowledge about sundry matters. Granted, the knowledge that has escaped from my neural …

My Resolve to Resist Resolutions Is Resolute Read More »

How to Write a Memorable Christmas Letter

The Christmas and New Year’s letter was a tradition in England that predated the first Christmas card in 1843, according to www.Smithsonian.com. With the expansion of the British postal system, Sir Henry Cole, who had many friends and acquaintances and not enough time to write a letter to each of them, commissioned the printing of …

How to Write a Memorable Christmas Letter Read More »

NaNoWriMo Memoirs

It was one of my former writing students who managed to shame me into signing up for NaNoWriMo this year. If you’re not familiar with that acronym, it stands for National Novel Writing Month. The deal is, each participant undertakes to knock off a 50,000-word novel during the month. No big deal. That’s only 1,667 …

NaNoWriMo Memoirs Read More »

Yukon Visitors

Everyone has a list of family and close friends that they feel the need to make an effort to visit every decade or so.  If you’re like me and your entire extended family lives outside the Yukon, they may be making an extra effort to come and see you, because (though geographically cumbersome) the Yukon …

Yukon Visitors Read More »

Celebratory Mad Libs

Welcome to What’s Up Yukon’s first mad libs. With winter on the horizon, it’s time to renew our

Interview at the Embassy

The status of one’s permanent residency quickly becomes the crux of conversation among the Yukon’s new Canadians. And it’s the crux of this column. No two people have the same story to tell. Not only are there various ways to immigrate, each person’s reason to immigrate is different. Some are poignant, others humorous, like this …

Interview at the Embassy Read More »

Ptarmigan, Yukon wildlife

Ptarmigan: Nothing but facts

The Ptarmigan is the territorial bird of the Yukon. Ed. Note:  The distinction of being known as the Yukon’s territorial bird goes to the raven, which, Canada Post recently announced, is to be featured on a stamp.  Ravens are more widespread than ptarmigan. They are found throughout the territory and are totally black.  The Ptarmigan …

Ptarmigan: Nothing but facts Read More »

The Tale of the Tinder-Q

Say you’re a single person throwing a barbecue. No stranger to the rigours of quality event coordination, you line up a food and drink theme, secure a donated fire pit, invite all your friends and lots of peeps you know but never really hang out with. Cute flyers are made. Fancy sausages ordered from the …

The Tale of the Tinder-Q Read More »

The Politics of Rotary Park

Aristotle famously noted that humans are political animals. As I see it, human behaviour can be viewed in its most primal and pure state whilst observing children. Rotary Park, specifically the yellow triple slide, is a toddler cultural melting pot which, when observed from a political perspective, is a microcosm of the much larger political …

The Politics of Rotary Park Read More »

The Story About Very Little

Here’s my dilemma: it’s 9:30 on Thursday night and I need to “put the paper to bed” by the end of the night. Everything else in complete, except my Jabbering. It’s been a long week for me (as I’m sure it has been for many) and I’m not feeling very inspired. On top of that, Ben …

The Story About Very Little Read More »

An Open Letter to the Green Balloon that Followed Me Up Two Mile Hill

Dear balloon, We crossed paths one night as I walked up Two Mile Hill. I was heading home to Takhini; I’m not sure what you were doing. Perhaps you had escaped your party duties and were making a break for it. There was a joy and freedom in the way you fluttered, and sank, and …

An Open Letter to the Green Balloon that Followed Me Up Two Mile Hill Read More »

25 Beliefs, 15 Promises, and One Rhetorical Question

I believe hot sauce is the best condiment. I believe a good hat can set the mood. I promise to buy Sarah MacDougall’s next album. I believe YouTube got way less cool when it started putting commercials in front of clips. I believe perfect teeth are overrated. I believe Charles Manson ended the ’60s. I …

25 Beliefs, 15 Promises, and One Rhetorical Question Read More »

The Case of the Missing Premise

I’m interested in enthymemes. An enthymeme is an argument in which at least one constituent part is not stated, but implied. When I use the word “argument” I am not denoting a spirited exchange of opinions; rather, I’m using it in a technical sense, meaning “a series of premises leading to a conclusion.” A simple …

The Case of the Missing Premise Read More »

A game: Google Golf

This is where we have some fun. I will throw out a challenge and we will see how you, the reader, throw it back. I call this challenge, “Google Golf” because the lower the score, the better. Here are the rules: 1.Go to Google.ca. 2.Type in three words with plus signs in front of each …

A game: Google Golf Read More »

Quiche? Yes. Pansies? No.

On March 1, I saw a headline on the front page of the Globe and Mail that gladdened my heart. It was, “This Spring, Real Men Wear Pansies.” The accompanying photo showed a guy with pansies printed on his shirt. Wow! This is wonderful! You see, there was another headline on that page that read, …

Quiche? Yes. Pansies? No. Read More »

Support Your Local Scientist

I love science. From government-sponsored labs to guys in their basements trying to rig together a personal jet pack, I must send a shout out to the people who chose the scientific path in life. ‘Cause really, there’s no way I would be able to sit through years of higher learning to work at unlocking …

Support Your Local Scientist Read More »

May is the dirtiest month

As I behold my 18th spring in the Yukon, I have been spared the anxiety and frustration of previous disappointments that are collectively known as the plodding death of winter. It is not so much another year of maturity that has bestowed a calm upon my psyche, it is just the acceptance of things as …

May is the dirtiest month Read More »

Canadian Humour Lives Between Internal and External

Watching Extras will make you a better person. Well, maybe not, but if you took the time to watch Ricky Gervais’ comedic opus from start to its concluding special, you will have seen one of the greatest comedies on television. True story. This made me wonder about the state of Canadian comedy and, in particular, …

Canadian Humour Lives Between Internal and External Read More »

Yukon Supergroup, Dandelion Wreath, Says Goodbye

“The Last Potluck. Catchy isn’t it?” The man behind the cluttered desk utters this phrase while framing an invisible marquee with his hands. “I wish I could afford a marquee,” says Morty Mungden, manager for roots/folk/emotronic Yukon supergroup Dandelion Wreath. “Those things are classy. Right now I got my car parked in the abandoned parking …

Yukon Supergroup, Dandelion Wreath, Says Goodbye Read More »

These Comedians are Ready for the Big Time

Deep down in the cockles of my President’s Choice Deluxe White Cheddar macaroni and cheese clogged heart, there’s a yearning for some recognition. But not for myself. My need to perform is juxtaposed with my general shyness and predilection for reclusivity. I’m talking about a group of young folks out there that I can be …

These Comedians are Ready for the Big Time Read More »

Comedy from a Sleep-Depraved Mind

I’m finally getting some good sleep these days. Recently, I was stage-managing the incredible Varietease show at the Guild: a cavalcade of comedy, song and, indeed, titillation. This basically amounted to many long evenings that blended into each other as we moved closer and closer to show time. By the time we were nearing the …

Comedy from a Sleep-Depraved Mind Read More »

Ich Bin Ein Yukoner

Happy Birthday, Canada! You have come into your own these past 141 years, warmly regarded as a place of strong values, freedom and a sense of community taking care of community. Canada, you have never forgotten that you were born of the world. You have shed blood in wars that beat back that, which we …

Ich Bin Ein Yukoner Read More »

Coming In From the Outside

I find the term “Outside” very strange. At first, when I had arrived in the territory, people would use the term, almost as if they were talking about someone being committed. “Oh, he’s going Outside,” they would say, sagely nodding their heads. Once I caught the drift of the term, I wondered how long it …

Coming In From the Outside Read More »

Farewell, We Hardly Knew Ye … Heck, He Hardly Knew Ye-self

Perspective, use it or lose it. I pulled that one from my dog-eared copy of Illusions, by Richard Bach. It’s a fun read that takes a little more time expounding on the feathery philosophies he was discussing in his more famous work, Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I usually pick up the book once a year and …

Farewell, We Hardly Knew Ye … Heck, He Hardly Knew Ye-self Read More »

The Yukon flag

The Yukon is Not Just a Place

Naturally, I miss the Yukon. To be specific, it certainly wouldn’t be the weather (heh … sorry), but far more importantly, the people.

Roy, The Kindred Spirit

“How’d you get here? Why’d you stay?” Ubiquitous phrases heard in the Yukon indeed. With the sheer number of transients coming through the territory, it’s a natural inclination to pose these questions to the ever-increasing population of the North. The getting there. Some people have long stories, grand tales of wanderlust adventuring, where they suddenly, …

Roy, The Kindred Spirit Read More »

My annual forgiveness tour

Finally, you sinners have reached that one special moment of the year when I consider whether or not I will forgive you for making my life less than pleasant. Anyone and everyone stands a chance as I have already forgiven the following in this annual feature: Stephen Harper, Paris Hilton, the English language, people who …

My annual forgiveness tour Read More »

Music To Your Ears is in the Eye of the Beholder

Here’s a new game for the territory’s impending dinner party season. Next time you trudge over to the neighbours — gluten-free pasta salad in tow — have a look at your host’s CD rack. Or, if they’ve advanced into more modern areas, skim their iPod playlist. Scrutinize enough music libraries in the Yukon and you’ll …

Music To Your Ears is in the Eye of the Beholder Read More »

Political Posturing

Our wacky pals to the south have a new man at the helm. Barack Obama’s inauguration surpassed any ordinary bureaucratic ceremony, to become one of the grandest events in United States history. There were likely thousands of Obama parties across Canada, just wanting to be part of this huge moment in history. Having recently spent …

Political Posturing Read More »

Assignment: Fred Penner

About six years ago, Fred Penner came to town and I was very excited. I was freelancing for the Yukon News at the time and I pitched the idea of a profile to my editor. Alas, it had been promised to someone else. But now I am an editor and, when I heard Mr. Penner …

Assignment: Fred Penner Read More »

Comic-Book Buzz

This summer, I discovered I had an unconscience reason for leaving the Yukon. I was sitting in a Winnipeg movie theatre, my body comfortably slumped into the plush reclining seat. I stretched my legs (I know! There was ROOM!) and readied myself for the usual onslaught of trailers for films I’d likely not care to …

Comic-Book Buzz Read More »

True Confessions of a Geek

I am a geek. I’ve travelled the length and breadth of the geeky spectrum. In my teens I was cooping myself up in darkened basements, surrounded by junk food and simulated adventuring detritus. My equally dorky pals would pour through ludicrously detailed rule books, while we argued over endless arcane vagaries. From comic books and …

True Confessions of a Geek Read More »

Good for What Ails Ya

I’m a walking mass of contagion. Well, if I were honest, I’m currently reclining on an IKEA futon, propped up precisely so that I don’t leak mucous onto the keyboard. I got a good ol’ “knock you on your arse” cold. More than just your usual sniffles, I have the kind of infection that makes …

Good for What Ails Ya Read More »

Get a Pooch and Find a Pal

So, I’ve mentioned it before: I’m lousy at making friends. Growing up a quiet geek doesn’t lend well to the pal-collecting abilities and now that I’ve advanced in age (thanks entropy), things are a little awkward. I just don’t really recall how it all works and the thought of getting back into the friend-making game …

Get a Pooch and Find a Pal Read More »

This Hour Has 45 Minutes

“You can’t please ’em all.” Now there’s an oft-spouted aphorism from the comedy world, lemme tell you. This is a general kind of excuse you can drop to someone who has walked off the stage, not to thunderous applause but to deafening silence. Welcome to the wonderful world of bombing. I find stand-up comedy far …

This Hour Has 45 Minutes Read More »

Re-imagining the value system

I was watching one of the Sunday-morning news shows and heard something that crystallized, in my mind, what is wrong with the financial sector. A Republican (you need to pronounce it like I do by first drawing out the “Reee” just a bit, and then spit out the “pub!” and then tack on the “lican” …

Re-imagining the value system Read More »

Who’s Watching Who …

I’m coming out of the closet – again. This time, for far-nobler purposes than atheism. Indeed, I have found a much-maligned part of society that deserves our complete recognition, adulation and undue attention. I enjoy reality shows … Now let’s just freakin’ admit to each other that we all love them, too. Can we? Can …

Who’s Watching Who … Read More »

It’s a Living, Breathing, Social-Networking Thing

As we speak (’cause “read together” sounds kinda weird), I have Facebook open on another window. I’m trying hard not to check it. Indeed, I am one of “those” – one of those people who actually waste their time stalking friends, vague acquaintances and various exes on the extremely popular and widely vilified website known …

It’s a Living, Breathing, Social-Networking Thing Read More »

Blocked But Not Beaten

Right now, a blinking cursor is doing its very best to drive me insane. This cursor, constantly sitting at the very end of my thoughts, echoes inside my skull like the flashing “12:00” on my microwave, its only purpose to nag at me that I still have a good 450 words to write. I’ve got …

Blocked But Not Beaten Read More »

One Thing We All Agree On …

Heading into summer = a wonderful time. And no matter how much extraneous snow may continue to fall, nothing can dampen the spirit of the truly gung-ho. This is the time when calendars come out, the grand trips are planned and all the winter’s empties head to the recycling depot for a sweet boost of …

One Thing We All Agree On … Read More »

Well on my way to becoming a big ‘loser’ …

Crystal Light has become my new best friend. You see, you can take your mundane water right from the tap and, one powdery package later, you have one instant ticket to flavour country! Even as my two fingers scurry across the keyboard, my taste buds are enjoying a journey of tangerine goodness. I don’t usually …

Well on my way to becoming a big ‘loser’ … Read More »

The Font (Fount?) of Wisdom

Times New Roman, that’s how I roll. In the world of font, I know I’m backing one tired, old horse. But there’s something undeniably comforting in its blandness. There’s no impression of subterfuge or arrogance; it’s just a font that’s there to get the job done. I appreciate that. It happens to be the font …

The Font (Fount?) of Wisdom Read More »

Eww! Ugh! and Blecch!

As I shove my hands into the remnants of last night’s revelry, dripping what can only be described as garbage juice, I mouth what may not be necessarily words, but sounds that still express the emotional quotient of my current well-being. “Ewww! Ugh!” and my Mad-magazine-approved favourite, “Blecch!” This is the last day of the …

Eww! Ugh! and Blecch! Read More »

The Cry of a ‘Betty Guy’

The hue and cry was heard across the world. It was the proposal that reached into the foundations of many a childhood and gave it a good shaking; indeed, you might have heard: Archie proposed to Veronica. For over 50 years and 600 issues, the backbone of the Archie-verse had always been the constant love …

The Cry of a ‘Betty Guy’ Read More »

It’s Cheechako’s first winter

This is a column for Cheechakos. Sourdough, you know this stuff. …February, March & April are your reward for November, December & January…

Théâtre en Francais, S’il Vous Plaît

Bonjour! Si t’était pas au courant, je suis le régissuer pour la production de Bonneau et la Bellehumeur pour La Troupe Du Jour, une compagnie de théatre à Saskatoon. I’m pretty sure I spelled all that decently enough. To more or less translate: I’ve recently taken on stage-managing for a Francophone theatre company’s touring show. …

Théâtre en Francais, S’il Vous Plaît Read More »

Big View, Small Budget

While the rest of the country is obsessed with the H1N1 virus and cure, Yukon amateur astronomers seem to be looking for a cure of their own — a cure for bad weather. This time of year is renowned for volatile, unstable weather, making for cloudy nights mixed with snowstorms. When cloudy nights persist, however, …

Big View, Small Budget Read More »

Another Mack attack

To the Editor, Hookey, you fiendish, fiendly fiend. Like an anarchic CBC host maliciously injecting a noxious ear worm such as Seasons in the Sun into my auditory canal, you have wantonly invaded my gustatory system with the ineluctable memory of MacIntosh Toffee. Have you no regard for the fact that early addiction to this …

Another Mack attack Read More »

Intelligent Life ‘Out There’

Barring the whole atheism thing, I swear on a giant stack of Bibles that the next paragraph is completely true. Scanning the BBC News website recently, one article in particular leapt out and grabbed my attention. It seems that Father Gabriel Funes, the director of the Vatican Observatory, made a statement in the official Vatican …

Intelligent Life ‘Out There’ Read More »

I can see clearly now

I can’t remember when it began, but I had been noticing that the knuckleheads at City Hall were using street signs that cannot be read until you are right on top of the intersection. And homemade signs that advertised yard sales were mostly useless. Then, proving only that I am marginally smarter than a frog …

I can see clearly now Read More »

When ‘cool’ is not cool

Just as a reformed smoker is often the first person to complain about a hotel room that smells of tobacco, I shall now complain bitterly about today’s society misusing the word “cool.” “Cool”, as I understand and appreciate the word, originated from jazz music: the saxophone player doesn’t acknowledge the audience; he leans into his …

When ‘cool’ is not cool Read More »

On ghouls and garages

The emo wreath of skulls and black flowers hanging off our front door says it all. Halloween is coming. Fortean times have arrived. The real boon of this holiday isn’t just about recycling those old black and orange wrapped toffee candies. (Speaking of which, someone should carbon-date those things. I’m pretty sure we’ve been communally …

On ghouls and garages Read More »

Comics Can’t Take a Joke

There’s been a bit of drama going on in the comedy world I now live in. A certain headlining comic was caught red-handed (mouthed?) stealing material from two other comics. Both jokes were told on stage word-for-word, so there’s absolutely no doubt that this was a case of parallel thought. Different comics coming up with …

Comics Can’t Take a Joke Read More »

How could you ever thank me?

I have a tip, that is going to change your life. It is a game changer, it is revolutionary, you will wonder how you survived without knowing this, this …—what shall we call it from here on? … oh yes—tip. How much this tip will improve your life is not in question – profoundly, I …

How could you ever thank me? Read More »

The Tics of Our Clocks

Recently, I came across something particularly interesting while engaged in my usual morning “Face-stalking”. For those not familiar with the term, it refers to one using a highly popular social networking site to catch up on the various goings-on of their friends, by reading their status updates, without having actually to bother calling them. Handy …

The Tics of Our Clocks Read More »

Cleaning out my desk …

It’s time for Spring Cleaning. But what is a guy to do, when he isn’t a pack rat and he keeps his few belongings well-organized? Well, everybody has that one place that is overstuffed with stuff. Consider it a “pressure release valve” if you will, since our consumer society forces stuff into our lives even …

Cleaning out my desk … Read More »

The Blahs Get a Good Exorcise

Man, could I ever have used a Rendezvous this year. The past month was a particularly dark sinkhole of a time for yours truly, and unfortunately these flatlanders in the town they call “Toon”, only seem to get together and celebrate when the Riders are on the field. I’m not sure exactly how February got …

The Blahs Get a Good Exorcise Read More »

I conclude that socks and sandals are fashionable …

It’s a walking, talking paradox … well, mostly it’s a walking paradox: If wearing socks with sandals is so wrong, why do so many of us do it? I like to think it’s because we Yukoners are soooo polite. If our tourists do it, whether it be from poor blood circulation, leaving them with cold …

I conclude that socks and sandals are fashionable … Read More »

E.T. Wants Two Hours of His Life Back

The world’s biggest brainiac’s latest bombshell has got me thinking. Professor Stephen Hawking certainly piqued the interest of all tin-foil hat wearers across the globe by suggesting that a visit from alien space farers would land us in a heap of space pirate trouble, rather than a peaceful hand-shaking photo-op in front of the UN. …

E.T. Wants Two Hours of His Life Back Read More »

Makes Sense Tomorrow

I like to think I’m a gentler, kinder sort of atheist. In my two years out of the territory, I took a lot of time to really think about the line I drew in the religious sand. I was pleasantly surprised to find how much my views have changed. In some parts you could say …

Makes Sense Tomorrow Read More »

Yukon: No Star-Whackers Here

Has my gast ever been flabbered! Trolling through Randy Quaid’s IMDB (Internet Movie Database) listing, I was shocked to discover that someone already had the incredible foresight to green light “Christmas Vacation 2.” And I had had high hopes we were going to make that sequel here in Canada. For those of you who have …

Yukon: No Star-Whackers Here Read More »

Cheap Beer!

Now that we have your attention . . . . Let’s pretend that you, our readers, wrote us letters. We imagine one of them would go like this: Dear Beer Cache, I’ve been reading your article for months now, and gee, it’s just wonderful! I never miss an article. What a great addition you are …

Cheap Beer! Read More »

Our twins, closer to the sun

The atmosphere contains sufficient quantities of oxygen, but very little moisture. It is amazing that anything can grow here. The vegetation is as fantastical as anything I have seen on any other planet, with spears protruding from many of the varieties. Comically strange creatures scurry from plant to plant, hugging the parched ground. Meanwhile, although …

Our twins, closer to the sun Read More »

My Nostalgia Train Just Derailed

You usually have two choices with your past: you can let it either haunt or inform you. Certainly one choice is likely healthier, perhaps nobler than the other, as we all progress to becoming happy, balanced individuals. Upon much reflection on the subject of my past, I’ve been examining both angles, worrying on the same …

My Nostalgia Train Just Derailed Read More »

Meat, My Friend, Bessie

My name is Anthony, and I love meat. This past holiday season I was granted a Christmas miracle: a miracle of the meaty kind. Some friends and I were pulling into Edmonton from a stand-up comedy gig in High Level, Alberta. For those geographically challenged, that’s an eight-hour drive, straight up, pretty much scraping the …

Meat, My Friend, Bessie Read More »

What Per Cent Civility?

Well, talk about putting the civil back into civil disobedience. Most of you have probably heard the recent hoopla out of Parliament Hill. During the particularly ceremony-heavy Throne Speech, a page walked out into the middle of the floor and, in full view of the cameras and stunned costumed oldsters, she produced a red octagonal …

What Per Cent Civility? Read More »

Click Here To Protest

Once again the internets were all abuzz last month about the rise of “Fox News North”. My Facebook feed was riddled with urgent cries to take action against the rise of, and I quote: “American-style hate media onto our airwaves.” This has already come ’round before, but maybe with Hockey Day in Canada and the …

Click Here To Protest Read More »

No Klatch Required

“I think we should take a break.” When slapped together, those can be the most dreaded words in the English language. And so, it was with an appropriately heavy heart that I had to say this phrase to my morning coffee. Some might say I looked a fool, with tears in my eyes, cradling the …

No Klatch Required Read More »

Greetings, Fellow Sinners!

By the time you read this, The Rapture might have just happened. It was floating around the internets recently – a fundamentalist Christian group in the States (oh, really?) declared that May 21 would be the date that God calls in all markers. Judgment Day. Armageddon. The Great Big Check-out. You know how it goes. …

Greetings, Fellow Sinners! Read More »

TV Devolution

I’m starting to think the doomsayers are right – perhaps the end is nigh. A chance flicking around the tube this past weekend landed me onto the mind-blowingly ridiculous NBC’s Dateline: “The Perils of Parenting”. Dateline in itself is usually good for a laugh as they regularly show a feature called: “What Would You Do?” …

TV Devolution Read More »

Beer Trivia

Delight your friends and family with a couple of beer-themed tidbits this week, or just look incredibly smart while getting your growler filled. The world’s oldest recipe? Yeah, it’s for beer. Despite popular opinion, Guinness in not a meal in a glass: It is one of the lowest calorie non-light beers, coming in at 125 …

Beer Trivia Read More »

Professional Thumbs

The year is 1985. A young Anthony sits crossed-legged in front of the television. The flickering images flashing across his eyes barely register in his stunned mind. Leonard Maltin just gave Ghostbusters a bad review. Indeed, this is a story of great trauma from my childhood. A highly-positioned critic just pooped on what I, as …

Professional Thumbs Read More »

Bells for Bert and Ernie?

Recently, there’s been talk in the media concerning an online petition asking the Sesame Street producers to let Ernie and Bert marry each other. Apparently a few hundred quixotic slacktivists agreed, and “signed” this online petition. Yep. You heard me. The reasoning is that having these two Muppets marry would teach kids tolerance, in a …

Bells for Bert and Ernie? Read More »

A Condition of Kings

When it’s your turn to step up and spin the wheel of old man diseases, “gout” ain’t that bad a spot for it to land on. See, I woke up some time ago, to my foot suddenly deciding it didn’t want to be walked on. Either I was kicking footballs all night in my sleep, …

A Condition of Kings Read More »

Q: What’s Worse Than Dog Poop? A: Old Dog Poop

Every spring, we all have certain things we fervently look forward to. It could be the continued sublimation of those stubborn piles of snow, the longer light in the evening sky or the exuberant sight of the croci poking out of the ground. Personally, I’m pretty happy with just staying above zero during the day …

Q: What’s Worse Than Dog Poop? A: Old Dog Poop Read More »

Scroll to Top