Give a dog a bone – Part 2
I’ve had some tough times in my life, but fighting a dog over a bone was about the toughest. End of that story.
Humour
Give a dog a bone – Part 1
I’ve had some tough times in my life, but fighting a dog over a bone was about the toughest. Pull up a stump and I’ll fill you in.
If you visit Old Crow
If you visit Old Crow Sadie will take you to the mall Mason will show you the traffic lights Abbie will take you on the elevator…
Spring Cleaning
I shovel dog poop. I shovel moose poop. I shovel caribou poop. I shovel rabbit poop. I shovel wolf poop. I shovel squirrel poop. I shovel ptarmigan poop. I shovel marten poop. I shovel lynx poop. I shovel sheep poop. I shovel crow poop. I shovel weasel poop. I shovel wolverine poop. I shovel mink …
Didoo survived without these things
Didoo survived without an electric knife. Didoo survived without an electric kettle. Didoo survived without a microwave. Didoo survived without a toaster. Didoo survived without a dryer. Didoo survived without a washer. Didoo survived without a vacuum cleaner. Didoo survived without an electric toothbrush. Didoo survived without an electric egg beater. Didoo survived without an …
I Always Get High
I get high when I snowshoe. I get high when I canoe. I get high when I mush dogs. I get high when I bike. I get high when I run. I get high when I skate. I get high when I ski. I get high when I fiddle. I get high when I cut …
My Bucket List
I have to pack a bucket of water for Eliza Steamboat I have to pack a bucket of water for Robert Steamboat I have to pack a bucket of water for Sarh Baalam I have to pack a bucket of water for Old Baalam I have to pack a bucket of water for Myra Kay …
The twice-caught fish
This is a story about an Ontario Northern pike that was caught twice on the same day by two different anglers.
Hand washing and hand wringing have much in common
In my nearly 77 years, I’ve never spent an extended period of time in prison. Neither have I been marooned on a desert island with a single coconut tree, with or without a voluptuous cartoon female to keep me company. I have, however, enjoyed many solitary periods in the wild, on an epic cycling adventure …
Hand washing and hand wringing have much in common Read More »
Reaching out for that long-distance feeling
I just finished a long-distance chat with my nephew. Really long-distance; he lives in Hong Kong. The line was clear, and the conversation lasted nearly an hour. The cost to each of us? Not a single penny.
Inside Didee’s Purse & Didoo’s Purse
Inside Didee’s Purse You’ll find his knife. You’ll find his Bible. You’ll find his matches. You’ll find his rope. You’ll find his pipe. You’ll find his snuff. You’ll find his cup. You’ll find his bandana. You’ll find his Vicks. You’ll find his candle. You’ll find his rosin. You’ll find his snares. You’ll find his traps. …
Didee & Didoo: Politics
They just like to play games They call each other names. Some of them look glad An’ some of them look mad. Their talk is so sweet But they don’t like defeat. Sometimes they do sin So that they will win. They don’t like to lose They wait for good news. The other party is …
Didee and Didoo – Gwichin Warrior
There’s a peaceful little townOn the banks of the river.Where the wolf an’ the caribou roamThat’s where he calls his home.In summer there’s no nightsDays are shorter in the winter time.Under the northern lightsHe dances his blues away. CHORUS:He’s a Gwichin warriorOld Crow Yukon is his home.Graceful like an eagleThe apple of his Mommie’s eye.He’s …
Trolls and ogresses for Christmas
Christmas promises to be white as a Bing Crosby croons. As we Canadians hunker down for the Yuletide to come, let us raise a wassail bowl to the fact we don’t live in Iceland.
The pine marten aka the sheriff of squirrel country
“I can’t believe I just got myself trapped inside a damn squirrel cage.”- Doug Sack’s perception of the pine marten’s thoughts.
It’s beginning to look a lot like shopping
Let’s face it, some folks get really ramped up about the season of festive excess that descends upon us every December. For many of them (even you, if I may be so bold), holiday prep starts months in advance. In extreme cases, as early as Boxing Day of the previous calendar year. Even the slackest of yuletide …
The lost camel of an ancient Persian fairy tale
In Persia, there once was a wise king with three sons. He mock-banished the young princes from his kingdom so they could go out and test themselves against the dangers of the real world. Their journey became a fairy tale known as “The Three Princes of Serendip.”
Words are a writer’s tool box
People who write a lot have different perspectives and relationships with words than those who simply read or say them. If the pen is truly mightier than the sword, (as said English author Edward Bulwer-Lytton in 1839), a writer’s tools could be favourably compared to the mightiest of weapons if he or she was out …
The writing’s on the wall…
They’re ookey and they’re spooky … and perhaps one of the ookiest and spookiest of the household was Thing T. Thing, the disembodied hand affectionately known as “Thing” on The Addams Family. (Baby boomers reading this now have The Addams Family finger-snapping theme song playing in their grey matter). “Thank you, Thing” was heard often as Thing was …
Not my circus…
Josephine explores where people started giving up their circus Send in the … elephants. I can’t help it; as a little girl I disliked clowns. And I didn’t trust them. What child doesn’t love a clown? I think it had something to do with their makeup and that I really couldn’t “read” them. And while …
In the right sauce, mine could be a corpus delicious
Ken starts talking about pushing up… mushrooms Never, in any previous column, have I considered the need to provide a trigger warning. Regular visitors to Geezerville are generally mature, clear-minded and emotionally stable enough to put up with whatever nonsense I spill into this 450-word frame. Nevertheless, I recognize that certain subjects are sensitive for some …
In the right sauce, mine could be a corpus delicious Read More »
Online connections
In the old days–good or otherwise–interpersonal connections were via letter or phone or face-to-face. Now there are any number of interactions that can take place online and can lead to connections with real people. For example, Facebook, where you can use your trigger finger to like what you see. You may get a momentary buzz of …
In praise of those who actually know what they’re doing
This morning, Kyle showed up with his bulging leather tool belt, his cordless shop vacuum, and a clutch of 16x25x1 furnace filters. It’s one of those annual rituals I’ve come to both welcome and dread. As sure as fallen leaves and frosty pumpkins, a visit from Kyle heralds the unofficial beginning of the season that lies …
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Taking flibberties with the (Widdle) English language
How do you solve a problem like “flibbertigibbet?” Unless you had a grandmother like mine, that’s a word you’d probably never heard before Oscar Hammerstein II used it to describe a postulant manquée named Maria in a musical he and Richard Rodgers wrote about a plucky family of Austrian warblers. It’s a fabulous word, especially when one pairs it …
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Deals with the Anaatquuq
As a musician, you put yourself out there in the public and you have to be ready to appease your fans. That means answering questions after the show. The most common question I get is, “How long have you been playing?” Well, I’m here to tell you, I don’t know. It seems music has always …
Here’s mud in your eye…
I had cataract surgery; you know, where they pop out your lens and pop in a new and improved one. Out with the old, in with the new and all in a matter of minutes. The thought of a scalpel in my eye was a bit unnerving—heart-pounding, actually—as well it should be. After all, we’re …
Time marches on, but backwards sometimes
Looking west – that hill cuts an hour off an hour of direct sunlight every fall There’s a significant date that is fast approaching. No, I’m not talking about the election on Oct. 21, though that is an important date. A week or so later though, on Nov. 3, we’ll face the annual chore of …
Something’s missing, but I don’t know what
I love my cellphone. Let me rephrase that. I am addicted to my cellphone. I’m enslaved by it. In its absence, I feel abandoned, disoriented, slightly less than a whole person. I’m not addicted to the same degree as many others I encounter on a daily basis, who walk into traffic with their faces glued …
You talking to her?
“When you haveit flat tire, you throwit over there and you takeit spare tire from that pile. Every three days you takeit air filter out of car and you putit on dirty air filter pile and then you grabit filter from clean filter pile and putit in car. It’s your job to wash cab, you …
Another opening, et cetera
Ken is back producing a performance on the stage of big dreams Six hours after I email this column to Danny Macdonald, and long before you read it in What’s Up Yukon, these words by Cole Porter from the 1948 Broadway smash, Kiss Me, Kate, will be part of my remembered experience: The overture is about to …
Chain of demand
I arrived in Inuvik for the first time in early July 1972. What first struck me as I toured the town was A) the 24 hours of sunlight and B) how closed off the town felt without a highway. It felt like even more of a no man’s land when I looked at it from …
A Tuk load of memories
I was back home in Inuvik this summer and I took the opportunity to drive to Tuk for the first time. It always hits close to the bone whenever I am there. The first time I went to Tuk, I was 12 years old. We were whaling at East Whitefish Station at the mouth of …
It may be ugly, but someday I might call it home
I recently wrote about my new vocation as a DIY coffin maker. OK, strictly speaking it’s not a coffin. It’s a casket. On a draped bier. Thanks to the braintrust at Google, I now understand that a casket is rectangle-shaped, whereas a coffin is tapered at the head and foot. (The sort of vessel from …
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Summer in Geezerville is anything but dead
Ken goes on a mission to find some beat up wood panel on the cheap for art Things sometimes turn on a dime. Recently, with only three days’ notice, my summer job as a kiddie-train engineer suddenly vanished in a puff of steam-engine smoke. I won’t dwell on the details, except to say I was …
No blues for this bootlegger
One afternoon, in the mid-70s in Inuvik, I was looking for some oddball thing for my vehicle. I looked almost everywhere and then I decided to go see John, a local who owned one of the taxi companies. I can’t remember if he helped me out or not, but I remember I stayed for awhile …
Didee & Didoo: Mouth of the Peel
Everyone knows Neil An’ he’s from the mouth of the Peel. Neil is a famous person Who comes from Ft. McPherson. Neil is even known down south ‘Cause he tells stories with his mouth. Neil is a friend to everyone And he knows how to have fun. Ladies like to dance with Neil ‘Cause he …
Spread the word: free peanuts on Park Street
They say the fastest land mammal of all is the cheetah, capable of running as fast as 120 km/h without breaking a sweat. But “they” are wrong. “They” have obviously never applied a stopwatch to a squirrel the moment it is released from a live capture trap. As a gardener and freshly minted rodent hunter …
This is what I think about that – Just saying
Opinions are like belly buttons. Everybody has one. Except Adam and Eve, reportedly. Even a casual glance at Facebook, Twitter, or similar social media platforms confirms a disturbing fact: opinions are actually far more numerous than belly buttons. Anyone can have an unlimited number of the former, but usually just one of the latter. Many …
P and Q can make for some perky Saturday hookups
The last entry in this space provided a platform for a more-or-less true tale of undeserved punishment recalled (and still resented) from the mists of time. That column began with an innocent reference to the ancient wisdom about exercising care when using the letters ‘P’ or ‘Q’. While these are both perfectly serviceable, well-established members of …
P and Q can make for some perky Saturday hookups Read More »
Hours of sunlight
Whitehorse Sunrise at 10:51 a.m. My wife and I were in Mazatlán, Mexico earlier this year. The timing of the sunrise and sunset got me thinking about the differences in the Yukon and what effects this might have on people. In Mazatlán, the length of the day on the summer solstice is just over 13.5 …
Co-pilot for a day
One morning in the mid 1980s, a pilot named Fred came to my house. Since I had only met him on a few occasions at the coffee shop, I wondered why he had come to see me. After pleasantries, he explained that he had to fly to Sachs Harbour, but he had a problem. “What’s …
Didee/Didoo: Piece of Mine
My fiddle is a piece of mine. My guitar is a piece of mine. My wheelbarrow is a piece of mine. My snowshoes are a piece of mine. My skills are a piece of mine. My bicycle is a piece of mine. My canoe is a piece of mine. My boat is a piece of …
As Granny said, mind your ascenders and descenders
“Kehheth” had some problems with his ascenders when learning to write as a child, leaving evidence on the wall. Anyone who has ever worked in a printing shop, or who has helped teach a youngster learn how to print the alphabet, knows the importance of minding your Ps and Qs. And your Bs and Ds, …
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Didee & Didoo: My Definition of an Elder
You have to run. You have to snowshoe. You have to canoe. You have to speed walk. You have to ski. You have to mush dogs. You have to go camping. You have to cut wood. You have to set snares. You have to fish. You have to hunt. You have to trap. You have …
A long time ago, in a lake far away
I was 12 years old in 1955 when my oldest brother, Robin, went away to university. As siblings in a close-knit family, we had shared many delightful (and less-than) hours around the dinner table. But the six-year difference in our ages meant we weren’t bosom pals. In May of 1961—the year stubby beer bottles came …
Didee & Didoo: Ranger Torch Relay
The Carcross sargent flew the torch to Old Crow An’ our job was to take it to Ft. McPherson. The torch will travel to every Ranger patrol To commemorate Canada’s 150th birthday. There were six of us Rangers And we were on a mission. We had to pass the Ranger Torch To the Ft. McPherson …
Homesick in Alberta
I was up in the Yukon last week working with Gwaandak Theatre on a series of radio plays based on legends from Old Crow. It was great to see all my Vuntut Gwich’in relatives and meet the famed Paul Kennedy from the CBC radio program, Ideas. He looks nothing like he sounds on radio. Is that …
The London Tower ravens
[two_third] You may have noticed the above quotation comes to you without attribution. That’s for good reason. Nobody seems to know who muttered it or even if it was ever uttered at all. The Tower ravens of London are arguably the most famous birds in history. They’re also the most difficult to explain because of …
Paw-t smoking
Dogs under the influence of pot may simply lie asleep at irregular hours Lily is an energetic dog. At three months old, it was abnormal for her to sleep for three solid hours in the middle of the day. That was the first sign that something was off. The second was that, when owner Daniel …
So long, smug Victoria. Welcome to Canada
The allure of even a well-crafted, lightweight shovel begins to pale after days upon numberless days of snow upon snow upon snow. There is wisdom in the old saw that everybody likes to complain about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. I have no quarrel with that assertion, and harbour no ill will …
Get to know your sourdoughs
Every year we hear about these Sourdough Sams, this “Call for the Cup,” and that the search for the “primo Yukon male” is on again, but what does any of that really mean?
The greatest living history in the North
I was walking through downtown Edmonton, the other day, when an old-timer in curled-up cowboy boots saddled up to me and bummed six bits off of me for a glass of draught. I was so happy to hear that particular vernacular that I almost gave him a hug.
Long johns—the cure for the common cold
These days, long johns are referred to as a “base layer” and are usually made from some very scientific-sounding material and come with a big, obvious logo to satisfy status-seekers.
Seed dreams are made of these
Here, as elsewhere, we’re on the January/February cusp. For all practical purposes, that means gardening season is still a few months off.
Didee & Didoo: My Echo
There’s nothing of him to touch And sometimes he talks too much. Sometimes I can hear my own voice An’ answering back is his own choice. He’s like an answering machine, But he has never been seen. He must be my twin brother ’Cause we sound like each other. I wonder if we look the …
Didee & Didoo: Merry January in Nanaimo
I didn’t need my snowshoes. I didn’t need my skis. I didn’t need my skates. I didn’t need my snowboard. I didn’t need my kicksled. I didn’t need my ski-doo. I didn’t need my parka. I didn’t need my fur hat. I didn’t need my mukluks. I didn’t need my fur mitts. I didn’t need …
At least I’m not a giraffe’s backside this time
The time-honoured English tradition of the Christmas pantomime (known affectionately as just “panto”) was not part of my childhood. For the benefit of those of us who weren’t weaned on this particular theatrical fare, it’s important to bear in mind various traditions, tropes, and stereotypes of an English-style panto.
Like porcupine courtship, timing is everything
Every now and then, a fella happens to hit the sweet spot, even if it is more by good luck than good management. I rest my case on a recent example. Early in the week, I casually mentioned to “Herself” that it was time to consider remounting the winter tires on her modest chariot, and …
Percolating with ‘the guys’
I work with federal inmates at an institution in central Alberta. And of all people, you would think they would know how to make coffee in an old-style coffee percolator. You know the ones … you put your coffee grounds in a round metal filter and place it onto a spigot that sends boiling water …
I concur: contrition may be consolatory
It’s confession time in Geezerville. I recently spent my allotted 450 words in this space musing about some of the beguiling delights to be found in the “be” section of the dictionary. Among other things, I wrote that the verb “to be” may be “substantive, copulative or auxiliary; sometimes active, sometimes passive, sometimes subjunctive.” Immediately …
Let be whatever may befall
To be, or not to be. For advocates of plain writing, Shakespeare’s most famous monologue is a touchstone. Its opening sentence consists of nine one-syllable words in a row, followed by one containing just two (depending on whether one reads “question” as two syllables or three). It’s a simple sentence, based on a four-letter infinitive …
Ross River coal: Transforming plants to carbon
The widespread use of coal was one of the major factors in fueling the Industrial Revolution of the late 1700s and early 1800s. In recent decades, however, coal has received a bad reputation as a major source of acid rain and carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Then there has always been the proverbial threat of …
Didee & Didoo: Good to be a Musician
‘Cause I can use my bass fiddle for a canoe. ‘Cause I can use my fiddle for a paddle. ‘Cause I can use my fiddle strings for snares. ‘Cause I can use my fiddle bow for a cane. ‘Cause I can use my guitar case for a suitcase. ‘Cause I can use my fiddle case …
Sometimes language smacks you in the microphone
I’ve already mentioned how easy it was to provoke calls on my radio open-line show in Charlottetown in the 1970s, by inviting listeners to share either recipes or gardening tips. One desperate morning, I stumbled across a topic that lit up the switchboard for three days before I had to call a halt. I started …
Dogsleds: Driverless cars, ‘all that and a bag of chips’
What people don’t know is that we’ve had driverless transport here in the North for eons. It’s called a dogsled.
Advice to the unwise: I have the questions, if you have the answers
One of the more interesting jobs I’ve ever held was hosting an open-line show (we secretly called it “open-mouth”) on a private radio station in Charlottetown, PEI. Unlike some parts of Canada—especially B.C., with its tradition of brash (often infuriating) talk-radio hosts such as Jack Webster, Raif Mair, Christy Clark and others, mid-’70s PEI was …
Advice to the unwise: I have the questions, if you have the answers Read More »
A ‘real’ Yukon man or woman (knowin’ how to pick a good one)
There’s only one place you’ll find the best Yukon woman, and that’s at the dump, looking for parts. If she’s ripping the ball joint off an old Ford, then you’ve got it made.
Serving laughs straight from the oven
The Whitehorse comedy scene is on a roll as of late. One of the events that has helped cultivate this resurgence has been Baked Laughs, the stand-up nights presented monthly at Baked Café.
Yukon See It Here: Jeszika Milton
Yes, I have a toilet! It’s beside the outhouse, but we call it a flower pot!
Zombie Preparedness 101
Emergency organizations have utilized the zombie craze opportunity to get out their message of Emergency preparedness.
Am I really ready to face off against this change of life?
At risk of being considered treasonous, I have never once worn skates while also carrying a hockey stick.
To those about to hammer, drill, screw and cut, we salute you
There seems to be a list of basic tools that you need to have to fill your obligations to society as a handyman of even a middling familiarity and competency.
Turning a new (gold) leaf for Valentine’s Day
I need a little help here, folks. Valentine’s Day has already come and gone, but it’s left me in a bit of a quandary.
Yukon See It Here: Tamara Neely
I found this giant squash for sale at Wyke’s Your Independent Grocer, and was amazed and impressed, because I had never seen such an enormous squash. It’s a 37-pound banana squash, and I wondered who would buy it, and how they would cook it. I went back the next day and found that it had …
When I Go Camping
I always bring my piano. I always bring my TV. I always bring my computer. I always bring my microwave. I always bring my fridge. I always bring my couch. I always bring my vacuum cleaner. I always bring my toaster. I always bring my waterbed. I always bring my snow blower. I always bring …
Whatever happened to the artful riposte?
In days past, we had people like Sir Winston Churchill, a world-class orator and master of the insult We all know nostalgia ain’t what it used to be. My concern is that the noble art of the insult is also on the skids these days. When I was a kid, one of the worst taunts you …
The Birth of the Yukon Comedy Collective
The Yukon is about to get a whole lot funnier if Richard Eden has his way. Relatively new to the territory, Eden is the president and creator of The Yukon Comedy Collective – a new non-profit organisation that’s dedicated to providing top quality comedic events, activities and hospitality by exposing outside and homegrown talent as …
The humiliation of having a 5-cent timepiece
In the hyper-sensitive world of childhood, an ill-chosen word can sometimes have a devastating impact, even if no harm is intended. I’m not talking about the kind of taunting, bullying talk that was unfortunately common on the playgrounds of my youth and is still far too prevalent today. I mean a casual, harmless remark – often …
Calling both the pot and the kettle black
No matter how you wish to phrase it – “act in haste, repent in leisure” or “what goes around comes around” – the piper will eventually show up to demand payment. My wallet is considerably lighter this week because of one such lesson.
Debaters Bound
Whitehorse comedian Jenny Hamilton will be performing live on the CBC Radio One show The Debaters in North Vancouver on Nov. 22
Three little words on the same little page
Just for the heck of it, let’s take a look at three English words that, on the surface of things, appear to have a lot in common.
Watching for things that go snap in the night
The first week of September, the mice fled the fields and snuck indoors, as mice are wont to do. It happened in the quiet hours of one night. The day before, the kitchen drawers and cupboards were spotless. The next, they were festooned with rodential calling cards: the kind a not-so-observant eye might mistake for …
It seems we can’t always tell what comes first
It’s the age-old debate about the chicken and the egg. Sometimes, we simply don’t know what is cause and what is effect. This is especially true when it comes to matters that touch on personal feeling. As a for-instance, do you love cream of broccoli soup because your Grandma used to make it? Or do …
The Wisdom of Yogi the Berra
Other than Samuel Clemens, who wrote as Mark Twain, few historical Americans are more oft-quoted than former New York Yankees catcher Yogi Berra, who died in 2015 at the age of 90, but will live forever for the things he said while he was alive. His only real competition as the best American malapropist was …
Heed the Lore When You’re on the Move
Until very recently, I had never heard the expression “hitchhiker’s thumb”. Oh sure, there was that weird guy in Grade 9 named Pete Moss, who had double-jointed thumbs. He also had a habit of turning his eyelids inside-out, a truly gory sight that the girls in the class generally found disgusting, but the boys considered …
Thoughts of Hitchhiking Sometimes Follow Strange Trails
One of my favourite pastimes is exploring the origins and meanings of common English words and expressions. Our language is such a hodge-podge (dare one say “hotchpotch”?) of thefts, borrowings and adaptations from others, that an etymologist can go haring down many a rabbit hole trying to plumb the depths of a simple phrase. English …
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Celebrating the Klondike as a Special Place
The editor set us the challenge of making a pitch for our community that says it is more special than any other in the territory, with a wink and a nod in the direction of Whitehorse. The assignment is hardly fair to the capital city. Those who don’t live in the capital city of any …
Poking Fun at Some National Icons on Our Birthday
During a year when there have been a lot of serious books written about our national identity, it stands to reason that a nation that loves to watch This Hour Has 22 Minutes, The Rick Mercer Show and Still Standing would produce at least one book making fun of the whole business. J.C. Villamere, who …
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On Market Day, Everything Old is New Again
The way some people talk, you’d think farmers’ markets were a recent invention by eco-conscious millennials spurred to action by reading a book about the 100-mile diet. Nothing could be further from the truth. People have been hauling their goods to communal selling and trading places ever since humankind began the transition from hunting and …
Interview with Anonymous
Got a juicy story that you’re just aching to tell the world, but you don’t want your fellow Yukoners knowing who leaked it? You’re in luck. Because there’s a Facebook page for that. The salacious Whitehorse Confessions page is a never ending source of entertainment for your editor. Journalists by their very nature love a …
I Love the Smell of Perfume in the Morning
Which brings me to one of Canada’s neatest little music festivals. To protect my sources, I won’t identify it, except to say it has been an annual event in southeastern Ontario for more than four decades. But this year, the festival’s very existence may hang in the balance. Not because of financial irregularities. Not because …
There’s No Escaping: Family Is as Family Does
As family reunions go, the event I attended in Ontario’s Georgian Bay district on a recent weekend was a fairly small-scale affair. At its peak, a mere 24 people were in attendance. Officially, it wasn’t really a reunion, just a gathering in Canada’s quintessential cottage country to mark my oldest brother’s 80th birthday. Judging by …
A hot dog by any other name …
To devote an entire issue of What’s Up Yukon to the celebration of the hot dog, one must completely understand exactly what a hot dog is … and isn’t. Immediately what scratches at the mind is the question: What is the difference between a sausage and a hot dog? I laugh, because I know exactly …
Too Curious George
He was a foundling on the streets of Edmonton – a golden cocker spaniel whose hair was so matted with burrs that much of it had to be shaved off. It was my 6-year-old daughter and two of her friends who brought him home, after he had attached himself to them on the playground. Of …
Every Dog Has Its Day, Apparently
It was a strange encounter that still has my brain abuzz. I was walking home from the grocery store in my current city of residence southeast of Whitehorse. My route took me past the site where small men and large machines have been toiling for months to build a massive parking garage. As the work …
Those Were the Days. They Still Are
The emptying-out of Yukon’s schools signals the official start of that much-anticipated annual ritual: the Summer Holiday. We all know the narrative arc of that story. For the first little while, the kids are bursting to be outside every moment of the day, burning off the pent-up energy held hostage inside the classroom for months. …
Chipped and Faded, but a Transport of Delight
Recently, I waxed nostalgic about my beloved first bicycle, a cherry-red Raleigh three-speed that went missing (temporarily, I still insist) on an August day in 1953. But another bike held just as big a place in my heart for the 19 years or so that I owned it. It was a Twiddle. To translate: it …
It was Red, and Shiny, and Wonderful
Did I just miss skipping and hopscotch season? Marbles and jacks? No matter. For me, this is, and always will be, bicycle season. I don’t test my mettle on the pedals very much these days, but I confess to having a lifelong passion for bicycles. It began on my ninth birthday, when I received a …
Fellow retirees: How engaged do you feel?
I’m sitting in my skivvies, contemplating what pearls of wisdom to cram into a 400-word space. As I advise my writing students, when you feel stuck, start with a word. Any word. Today, that word is “engagement”. In my days as a working journalist, I was supposed to remain officially objective, unengaged, a step removed …
Surviving the Great Whitehorse Earthquake of 2017
Surprisingly it was not the earthquake that woke me up on the morning of Monday, May 1. It was the stunning one-two punch of the intense, standing-on-frozen-Lego agony of being barefoot on cold gravel, coupled with the mind blowing realization that I was indeed standing stark naked in my driveway and this was not a …
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Shake Out Those Memories and Shine ’em Up
Until fairly recently, I had no interest whatever in the idea of writing a book of memoirs. Like most people, I assumed nobody would care to read about the life journey of a nobody-in-particular. After all, autobiography is the purview of politicians, movie stars, generals and other colourful scoundrels. If I ever had the hubris …
Just Planting a Seed Here, Folks
Somebody once said a gardener is just a philosopher with dirty hands and an aching back. Well, maybe nobody actually said that until I just did, but I believe it to be so. Of all life’s pursuits, few can match gardening when it comes to bringing body and soul together. Why? Because it’s hard to stay mad …
Is That Thing Called a Knick-knack, or Bric-a-brac?
Recently, I was meandering through my trusty Shorter Oxford English Dictionary (shorter, as in not quite as gargantuan as the Encyclopaedia Britannica). This is a habit I acquired in my youth, but indulge less frequently these days, usually when I’m trying to curb my morbid addiction to Facebook. I hadn’t probed far into this two-volume …
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So, Is Our Planet Round, or Flat?
Until a couple of years ago, there was a wonderfully entertaining fantasy writer by the name of Terry Pratchett. Perhaps there still is, somewhere on an alternate plane of reality, since Sir Terry Pratchett succumbed to Alzheimer’s disease in the Earth year of 2015 at the tender age of 66. Let me be clear: I …
Was That an Update, or a Sign of the Apocalypse?
It was a dark and stormy night a few weeks back. Dark enough and stormy enough that one might be forgiven for thinking the End Times were nigh. It began with little fanfare, when the evil OS known as Windows 10 (aka the pale rider of the digital apocalypse) blithely informed me it had taken …
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My name is Chris. I am an Ontarian
I suffer jokes and insults & many others suffer the same fate, but we persevere. We understand that we are different. We are from Ontario.
Saving Time in the Grocery Line
Consider Murphy, whoever he was. When anything goes wrong, people assume it’s somehow his fault. Being a forgiving sort of guy, I try to give ol’ Murph the benefit of the doubt. Still, there are some situations in which I am convinced his famous Law, or one its many corollaries, is at work. Case in …
Faint Praise for a Coarse Cultivar
Three foods top my No Thanks list: schmaltz herring, Marmite and kale. My sole experience with schmaltz herring – basically, raw fish preserved in rancid chicken fat – was anything but a gustatory delight. I also tried Marmite once. I even sampled its malevolent cousin, Vegemite, during a visit Down Under. Ptooey. Fortunately, in this …
DIDEE & DIDOO: THOU SHALT NOT SWEAR
*EAT THIS RICE ALL MUDDY. WHY DON’T YOU THUCK OFF. THUCK YOU. DON’T THUCK AROUND. THUCKER. *FUTHER MUCKER. WELL I’LL BE THUCK ME. YOU THUCKIN RIGHTS. I’M ALL THUCKED UP. THUCK THIS. DASTARD. CRIPES SAKES. THUCK SAKES. YOU’RE A DOG THUCKER. DON’T BE AN ASK HOLE. YOU’RE TWISTING ME OFF. *GUN OF A SUN. *FOR …
The opposable thumb was not actually a Canadian invention
Ask any randomly-selected group to name mankind’s greatest invention, most will probably say the wheel. Fire doesn’t count; it was discovered, not invented. If you ask about the second most important invention, the answers will range widely: the lever, the pulley, the cotton jenny, moveable type, the internal combustion engine. Someone will inevitably say sliced …
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’Tis The Examination Season
The student population studying for finals are fascinating creatures. Next, there is a dietary shift in students, where once semi-nutritious meals are replaced by caffeine and variants of sugar. The date of the finals attack can be characterized by the temporary nocturnal ability students will gain 1-2 days before the exam. These extra hours are …
Giggle for a Good Cause
Laugh it up, because Jan 26th and 27th Ride for Dad presents its fourth annual comedy show at Coast High Country Inn. Featuring local acts Steve McGovern and Jenny Hamilton and imports Scott Belford and Kelly Taylor, the evening will feature drinks, laughs and a break from the winter doldrums. All proceeds from the event …
My Resolve to Resist Resolutions Is Resolute
With increased age comes increased wisdom. That’s the theory, anyway. Naturally, those who are still young find this notion ridiculous. How could anyone be wiser than a 16-year-old? During my multiple revolutions around the Sun, I have acquired a prodigious amount of knowledge about sundry matters. Granted, the knowledge that has escaped from my neural …
It’s Beginning to Sound a Lot Like…
With December well underway, I’m finally inured to the barrage of seasonal music that assails us whenever we set foot outdoors. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a total Grinch on the subject. In fact, there is a great canon of Christmas-related music that I actually enjoy. Most of it falls under the rubric of …
How to Write a Memorable Christmas Letter
The Christmas and New Year’s letter was a tradition in England that predated the first Christmas card in 1843, according to www.Smithsonian.com. With the expansion of the British postal system, Sir Henry Cole, who had many friends and acquaintances and not enough time to write a letter to each of them, commissioned the printing of …
NaNoWriMo Memoirs
It was one of my former writing students who managed to shame me into signing up for NaNoWriMo this year. If you’re not familiar with that acronym, it stands for National Novel Writing Month. The deal is, each participant undertakes to knock off a 50,000-word novel during the month. No big deal. That’s only 1,667 …
Yukon Visitors
Everyone has a list of family and close friends that they feel the need to make an effort to visit every decade or so. If you’re like me and your entire extended family lives outside the Yukon, they may be making an extra effort to come and see you, because (though geographically cumbersome) the Yukon …
Celebratory Mad Libs
Welcome to What’s Up Yukon’s first mad libs. With winter on the horizon, it’s time to renew our
Interview at the Embassy
The status of one’s permanent residency quickly becomes the crux of conversation among the Yukon’s new Canadians. And it’s the crux of this column. No two people have the same story to tell. Not only are there various ways to immigrate, each person’s reason to immigrate is different. Some are poignant, others humorous, like this …
Ptarmigan: Nothing but facts
The Ptarmigan is the territorial bird of the Yukon. Ed. Note: The distinction of being known as the Yukon’s territorial bird goes to the raven, which, Canada Post recently announced, is to be featured on a stamp. Ravens are more widespread than ptarmigan. They are found throughout the territory and are totally black. The Ptarmigan …
Those Gregorians Should Have Done the Math
Thirty days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest have 31, except for stupid February. Apparently, February didn’t get the memo, or just doesn’t care. Every four years (or, to be precise, whenever the year’s number can be evenly divided by four), it even changes its mind about how long it wants to …
The Tale of the Tinder-Q
Say you’re a single person throwing a barbecue. No stranger to the rigours of quality event coordination, you line up a food and drink theme, secure a donated fire pit, invite all your friends and lots of peeps you know but never really hang out with. Cute flyers are made. Fancy sausages ordered from the …
The Politics of Rotary Park
Aristotle famously noted that humans are political animals. As I see it, human behaviour can be viewed in its most primal and pure state whilst observing children. Rotary Park, specifically the yellow triple slide, is a toddler cultural melting pot which, when observed from a political perspective, is a microcosm of the much larger political …
Of lavender and squashed fly biscuits
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. In this case, we’ll have to make do with 500, since that’s all this space allows. The picture in question shows a young woman sitting under a bright yellow umbrella, playing a harp. The sky is brilliantly blue, with enough frothy white cloud to declare it …
The Story About Very Little
Here’s my dilemma: it’s 9:30 on Thursday night and I need to “put the paper to bed” by the end of the night. Everything else in complete, except my Jabbering. It’s been a long week for me (as I’m sure it has been for many) and I’m not feeling very inspired. On top of that, Ben …
An Open Letter to the Green Balloon that Followed Me Up Two Mile Hill
Dear balloon, We crossed paths one night as I walked up Two Mile Hill. I was heading home to Takhini; I’m not sure what you were doing. Perhaps you had escaped your party duties and were making a break for it. There was a joy and freedom in the way you fluttered, and sank, and …
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25 Beliefs, 15 Promises, and One Rhetorical Question
I believe hot sauce is the best condiment. I believe a good hat can set the mood. I promise to buy Sarah MacDougall’s next album. I believe YouTube got way less cool when it started putting commercials in front of clips. I believe perfect teeth are overrated. I believe Charles Manson ended the ’60s. I …
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The Case of the Missing Premise
I’m interested in enthymemes. An enthymeme is an argument in which at least one constituent part is not stated, but implied. When I use the word “argument” I am not denoting a spirited exchange of opinions; rather, I’m using it in a technical sense, meaning “a series of premises leading to a conclusion.” A simple …
Christmas Vacation Procrastination
Christmas – when presents take precedence and work is cast under the bed and forgotten. Youth and adults alike put off assignments until the final day before their return to school or work. Everyone recognizes the strain of procrastination. Be it an essay, a load of laundry, or simply booking time off so we can …
A game: Google Golf
This is where we have some fun. I will throw out a challenge and we will see how you, the reader, throw it back. I call this challenge, “Google Golf” because the lower the score, the better. Here are the rules: 1.Go to Google.ca. 2.Type in three words with plus signs in front of each …
Overheard in a Whitehorse garage
AFFABLE SERVICE DESK GUY: Good morning, sir. How can I help you today? CUSTOMER: Well … I just got here last week, so I figured I better winterize my car. ASDG: Did you just come from Outside? CUSTOMER: No, I slept on your floor overnight … of course I just came from outside. ASDG: No …
He Wants to Leave This World When He Leaves This World
I’d like to be shot into space. Allow me to clarify: when I shuffle off my mortal coil, I’d like that coil to be shoved into whatever receptacle is handy and then I would like that container sent off into the cosmos. Likely some of you are wondering: “Say chum, the scuttlebutt about town is …
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Comedian Taking It to the Fringe
This year I will completely, absolutely and wholeheartedly do my best to not start my articles with hyperbole! Indeed, for an opening joke, I chose a particularly weak one … call your ombudsman. I have quite a lot on my mind as time marches forward into 2008. You see, this year I’ll be taking a …
The first First, is better than the last Last
I remember the first time I climbed a tree … and it is not because I got my knee caught and my father had to use the chainsaw to get me out … and my mother took a home movie of it all. I remember it because it was the first time I did something …
The Atheist Doth Protest Too Much
I’ve come to realize that atheism sure ain’t that sexy. When you compare all the trappings and incentives that other belief systems have, we come up pretty short. You don’t hear of teens packing an arena to hear the latest atheist rock band. “Here’s our next song – How entropy will bring about heat death …
Quiche? Yes. Pansies? No.
On March 1, I saw a headline on the front page of the Globe and Mail that gladdened my heart. It was, “This Spring, Real Men Wear Pansies.” The accompanying photo showed a guy with pansies printed on his shirt. Wow! This is wonderful! You see, there was another headline on that page that read, …
Canada’s Dismally Depleted Air Farce
Attention CBC Television fans: Stop watching Royal Canadian Air Farce! Please. I’ve long felt the need to clearly and confidently state, with the utmost of sincerity, that Air Farce is a terrible show. I say this with a truly noble intent, my friends. Whereas most of us consumers of comedy media know fully well that …
Support Your Local Scientist
I love science. From government-sponsored labs to guys in their basements trying to rig together a personal jet pack, I must send a shout out to the people who chose the scientific path in life. ‘Cause really, there’s no way I would be able to sit through years of higher learning to work at unlocking …
May is the dirtiest month
As I behold my 18th spring in the Yukon, I have been spared the anxiety and frustration of previous disappointments that are collectively known as the plodding death of winter. It is not so much another year of maturity that has bestowed a calm upon my psyche, it is just the acceptance of things as …
Canadian Humour Lives Between Internal and External
Watching Extras will make you a better person. Well, maybe not, but if you took the time to watch Ricky Gervais’ comedic opus from start to its concluding special, you will have seen one of the greatest comedies on television. True story. This made me wonder about the state of Canadian comedy and, in particular, …
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Yukon Supergroup, Dandelion Wreath, Says Goodbye
“The Last Potluck. Catchy isn’t it?” The man behind the cluttered desk utters this phrase while framing an invisible marquee with his hands. “I wish I could afford a marquee,” says Morty Mungden, manager for roots/folk/emotronic Yukon supergroup Dandelion Wreath. “Those things are classy. Right now I got my car parked in the abandoned parking …
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These Comedians are Ready for the Big Time
Deep down in the cockles of my President’s Choice Deluxe White Cheddar macaroni and cheese clogged heart, there’s a yearning for some recognition. But not for myself. My need to perform is juxtaposed with my general shyness and predilection for reclusivity. I’m talking about a group of young folks out there that I can be …
Comedy from a Sleep-Depraved Mind
I’m finally getting some good sleep these days. Recently, I was stage-managing the incredible Varietease show at the Guild: a cavalcade of comedy, song and, indeed, titillation. This basically amounted to many long evenings that blended into each other as we moved closer and closer to show time. By the time we were nearing the …
Ich Bin Ein Yukoner
Happy Birthday, Canada! You have come into your own these past 141 years, warmly regarded as a place of strong values, freedom and a sense of community taking care of community. Canada, you have never forgotten that you were born of the world. You have shed blood in wars that beat back that, which we …
Giving the Dream Maker a Tune Up
I had a dream last night that I was at a Yakov Smirnoff show with my mother. I sure hope this wasn’t forecasting any kind of future. Not that I wouldn’t love to go to a show with my mother, I’ve evolved well past the point where I can now be comfortably seen in public …
Coming In From the Outside
I find the term “Outside” very strange. At first, when I had arrived in the territory, people would use the term, almost as if they were talking about someone being committed. “Oh, he’s going Outside,” they would say, sagely nodding their heads. Once I caught the drift of the term, I wondered how long it …
Farewell, We Hardly Knew Ye … Heck, He Hardly Knew Ye-self
Perspective, use it or lose it. I pulled that one from my dog-eared copy of Illusions, by Richard Bach. It’s a fun read that takes a little more time expounding on the feathery philosophies he was discussing in his more famous work, Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I usually pick up the book once a year and …
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The Yukon is Not Just a Place
Naturally, I miss the Yukon. To be specific, it certainly wouldn’t be the weather (heh … sorry), but far more importantly, the people.
Confessions of a political junkie
It is not as if I am addicted to it, rather it is just that it is sooo available. That computer, with its vast assortment of websites to choose from and lightning-fast downloads, makes it so easy to get my, well, fix. Yes, OK, I admit it: I am addicted to the American election. It …
Roy, The Kindred Spirit
“How’d you get here? Why’d you stay?” Ubiquitous phrases heard in the Yukon indeed. With the sheer number of transients coming through the territory, it’s a natural inclination to pose these questions to the ever-increasing population of the North. The getting there. Some people have long stories, grand tales of wanderlust adventuring, where they suddenly, …
Obama is Good for the World … Except Comics
November 4th, the world breathed a sigh of relief. No longer will we have to awkwardly avoid the United States in the UN cafeteria, picking up our trays and wandering over to the back of the room to sit with Botswana. We can hopefully go back to the good ol’ days, those halcyon days; the …
My annual forgiveness tour
Finally, you sinners have reached that one special moment of the year when I consider whether or not I will forgive you for making my life less than pleasant. Anyone and everyone stands a chance as I have already forgiven the following in this annual feature: Stephen Harper, Paris Hilton, the English language, people who …
Last Comic Standing Takes the Next Step
The first time I saw Rob Stalkie take the stage, I could tell he was a natural. And now, only one short year later, this young comedian has fought through some of the toughest competition to be crowned the “Last Comic Standing” in the Yukon. “I don’t know if I’m the Yukon’s funniest,” says Stalkie. …
Music To Your Ears is in the Eye of the Beholder
Here’s a new game for the territory’s impending dinner party season. Next time you trudge over to the neighbours — gluten-free pasta salad in tow — have a look at your host’s CD rack. Or, if they’ve advanced into more modern areas, skim their iPod playlist. Scrutinize enough music libraries in the Yukon and you’ll …
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Political Posturing
Our wacky pals to the south have a new man at the helm. Barack Obama’s inauguration surpassed any ordinary bureaucratic ceremony, to become one of the grandest events in United States history. There were likely thousands of Obama parties across Canada, just wanting to be part of this huge moment in history. Having recently spent …
Assignment: Fred Penner
About six years ago, Fred Penner came to town and I was very excited. I was freelancing for the Yukon News at the time and I pitched the idea of a profile to my editor. Alas, it had been promised to someone else. But now I am an editor and, when I heard Mr. Penner …
Comic-Book Buzz
This summer, I discovered I had an unconscience reason for leaving the Yukon. I was sitting in a Winnipeg movie theatre, my body comfortably slumped into the plush reclining seat. I stretched my legs (I know! There was ROOM!) and readied myself for the usual onslaught of trailers for films I’d likely not care to …
True Confessions of a Geek
I am a geek. I’ve travelled the length and breadth of the geeky spectrum. In my teens I was cooping myself up in darkened basements, surrounded by junk food and simulated adventuring detritus. My equally dorky pals would pour through ludicrously detailed rule books, while we argued over endless arcane vagaries. From comic books and …
Is There Life After the Yukon?
Perspective – use it or lose it. Words I’ve been pondering quite a lot lately. Recently I was noticing how much I dwelt on things I’ve left behind in the Yukon. While I was on a grand new adventure, I couldn’t help but resent having to re-establish myself in a new community. You could say …
Good for What Ails Ya
I’m a walking mass of contagion. Well, if I were honest, I’m currently reclining on an IKEA futon, propped up precisely so that I don’t leak mucous onto the keyboard. I got a good ol’ “knock you on your arse” cold. More than just your usual sniffles, I have the kind of infection that makes …
What Could Be More Canadian Than Snow and Ice?
It has come to my attention that Canada is cold. Or, more to the point, people have needed to direct my attention to this fact – on numerous occasions. If I scour my generally addled brain for a distant memory of my first move to the Yukon, it’s filled with potentially dire warnings. “But – …
A new and improved cultural touchstone
Blessed be the good people at Tim Hortons and their Roll Up The Rim contest. If it were not for them, how would we Yukoners know it is spring. Indeed, how would we know we are still in Canada if it weren’t for the sight of these cups in garbage cans everywhere. It is true …
Closing Time … Time for Beer and Good Cheer
When I was a wage slave, the call of Friday happy-hour escapism was like aural honey to my ears. After a few years in the YTG system, I could proudly say my paper-shuffling skills were unmatchable. (I can make it look like I’m furiously working while doing nothing at all.) It also helped that no …
Get a Pooch and Find a Pal
So, I’ve mentioned it before: I’m lousy at making friends. Growing up a quiet geek doesn’t lend well to the pal-collecting abilities and now that I’ve advanced in age (thanks entropy), things are a little awkward. I just don’t really recall how it all works and the thought of getting back into the friend-making game …
This Hour Has 45 Minutes
“You can’t please ’em all.” Now there’s an oft-spouted aphorism from the comedy world, lemme tell you. This is a general kind of excuse you can drop to someone who has walked off the stage, not to thunderous applause but to deafening silence. Welcome to the wonderful world of bombing. I find stand-up comedy far …
Re-imagining the value system
I was watching one of the Sunday-morning news shows and heard something that crystallized, in my mind, what is wrong with the financial sector. A Republican (you need to pronounce it like I do by first drawing out the “Reee” just a bit, and then spit out the “pub!” and then tack on the “lican” …
Top 10 movies: A walk on the mild side
(Part 2 of 2) Last week I began listing my favourite movies of all time. I only got to six of them and they all tended to be “guy movies”. There’s violence and there is male bonding and all of the things we stereotypical males enjoy. Yes, there are some excellent movies out there that …
Comic Books – Fun and Free for All!
I once made the happy mistake of surfing on eBay, shall we say, under the influence. I say “mistake” as I found out, in a haze the next day, that I had won an online auction for something to the tune of 150 dollars. But I say it was a happy accident as, a few …
Pondering the Propensity of ‘Place’
This recent Easter long weekend, during the longest bout I might have ever had exclusively wearing pajamas, I had an interesting revelation. I mean, there’s a lot of navel gazing that can be accomplished with four days off of work and there’s only so much gaming one can do in one sitting. (Must be gettin’ …
Canada Delivers the Knock-Out Punch
Did you feel it? Once again, the nation shared a moment of polarization. We were all united in our disdain for the States. And it all came from a little Fox News commentary show called Red Eye. The host, Greg Gutfeld, and his panel spent their time insulting Canada and, in particular, our Armed Forces. …
The tweets of one twit’s twittering
Silly me. I thought the public wants intelligent discourse, all sides of a story and alternative, respectful arguments. So, I go to journalism school, I work for some of the best editors in the business and learn all that I can and I make mistakes (lots of them) and try to learn from each. But …
Who’s Watching Who …
I’m coming out of the closet – again. This time, for far-nobler purposes than atheism. Indeed, I have found a much-maligned part of society that deserves our complete recognition, adulation and undue attention. I enjoy reality shows … Now let’s just freakin’ admit to each other that we all love them, too. Can we? Can …
It’s a Living, Breathing, Social-Networking Thing
As we speak (’cause “read together” sounds kinda weird), I have Facebook open on another window. I’m trying hard not to check it. Indeed, I am one of “those” – one of those people who actually waste their time stalking friends, vague acquaintances and various exes on the extremely popular and widely vilified website known …
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Blocked But Not Beaten
Right now, a blinking cursor is doing its very best to drive me insane. This cursor, constantly sitting at the very end of my thoughts, echoes inside my skull like the flashing “12:00” on my microwave, its only purpose to nag at me that I still have a good 450 words to write. I’ve got …
One Thing We All Agree On …
Heading into summer = a wonderful time. And no matter how much extraneous snow may continue to fall, nothing can dampen the spirit of the truly gung-ho. This is the time when calendars come out, the grand trips are planned and all the winter’s empties head to the recycling depot for a sweet boost of …
Watching the Scale Ain’t Where I’m At
I can’t say I’m one who watches my weight. I mean, where’s it gonna go? (Zing!) I’ve had the same basic kind of body shape since hitting puberty. A slightly rotund body, finished off with stick arms and chicken legs. I ain’t no Mr. Universe, but at least I’ve had the same pant size for …
Who Ya Gonna Call? Not Anthony Trombetta
A dream I’ve held since childhood has been quashed. It’s with much regret that I must inform all of you that my letter of interest to join the Paranormal Saskatoon research group has gone unanswered. It’s been three weeks since I sent off the e-mail. “Hello, I just heard your group’s interview on CBC, and …
Nothing Screams Summer Louder than, Well … Summer!
I’m generally not one to gauge the success of my summer by small degrees, but there are certain small, simple moments that make life grand. Allow me to paint you a picture. There is a nary a breeze in the parking lot of the Travelodge hotel. Perched right on the edge of town, it hails …
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Yeah, but who’s counting?
I’m going on vacation soon and I am very excited. Daisy and I are going to Ontario to visit my side of the family, courtesy of a pair of free tickets from my Mom (not sure if that is an expression of her love or an expression of her distaste for air travel … either …
In Passing: On Pin-ups and Pop Kings …
I was in my hotel room in The Pas, Manitoba, when I heard the news. Michael Jackson had passed away. Rather than conveying any sign of shock, I merely muttered a “Really?” to the image of CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, working his way through a never-ending parade of commentators. Feel free to attribute to me any …
Well on my way to becoming a big ‘loser’ …
Crystal Light has become my new best friend. You see, you can take your mundane water right from the tap and, one powdery package later, you have one instant ticket to flavour country! Even as my two fingers scurry across the keyboard, my taste buds are enjoying a journey of tangerine goodness. I don’t usually …
The Font (Fount?) of Wisdom
Times New Roman, that’s how I roll. In the world of font, I know I’m backing one tired, old horse. But there’s something undeniably comforting in its blandness. There’s no impression of subterfuge or arrogance; it’s just a font that’s there to get the job done. I appreciate that. It happens to be the font …
Home really is where the heart is …
I miss my trailer year. When my wife and I wanted to get a place to call our own, in Whitehorse, a quick perusal of the rental market slowly filled us with dismay. (Before anyone gets too confused, we’re not actually married, but stand-up bits scan a whole heck of a lot better with the …
Eww! Ugh! and Blecch!
As I shove my hands into the remnants of last night’s revelry, dripping what can only be described as garbage juice, I mouth what may not be necessarily words, but sounds that still express the emotional quotient of my current well-being. “Ewww! Ugh!” and my Mad-magazine-approved favourite, “Blecch!” This is the last day of the …
The Cry of a ‘Betty Guy’
The hue and cry was heard across the world. It was the proposal that reached into the foundations of many a childhood and gave it a good shaking; indeed, you might have heard: Archie proposed to Veronica. For over 50 years and 600 issues, the backbone of the Archie-verse had always been the constant love …
I’m rather fond of my clothes …
I know I get attached to my clothes. Sometimes it can be quite literal, as like most dudes, I would wear my favourite clothing until it disintegrates off my body. Indeed, to the chagrin of my wife, I have an assortment of clothing that really should not be seen outside. Some items in particular could …
It’s Cheechako’s first winter
This is a column for Cheechakos. Sourdough, you know this stuff. …February, March & April are your reward for November, December & January…
Que será, será … (but the internet has a test for that)
Back in Grade 12 I decided that my previously ordained career of choice would not be in the military. I was in the Reserves and had already had my fun and, besides, I hated having cold showers at 7 a.m. after running in combat boots for an hour. So, suddenly left with a decision to …
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Théâtre en Francais, S’il Vous Plaît
Bonjour! Si t’était pas au courant, je suis le régissuer pour la production de Bonneau et la Bellehumeur pour La Troupe Du Jour, une compagnie de théatre à Saskatoon. I’m pretty sure I spelled all that decently enough. To more or less translate: I’ve recently taken on stage-managing for a Francophone theatre company’s touring show. …
My ‘Mack’ shall be smacked no more
As a young boy, I was sophisticated enough that, when given the choice of a chocolate bar or MacIntosh Toffee, I would always go for the “Mack.” “Chocolate” is a loose term applied to the covering around the nougat or some such filling that, when packaged in the shape of a bar, was called a …
Big View, Small Budget
While the rest of the country is obsessed with the H1N1 virus and cure, Yukon amateur astronomers seem to be looking for a cure of their own — a cure for bad weather. This time of year is renowned for volatile, unstable weather, making for cloudy nights mixed with snowstorms. When cloudy nights persist, however, …
Another Mack attack
To the Editor, Hookey, you fiendish, fiendly fiend. Like an anarchic CBC host maliciously injecting a noxious ear worm such as Seasons in the Sun into my auditory canal, you have wantonly invaded my gustatory system with the ineluctable memory of MacIntosh Toffee. Have you no regard for the fact that early addiction to this …
Intelligent Life ‘Out There’
Barring the whole atheism thing, I swear on a giant stack of Bibles that the next paragraph is completely true. Scanning the BBC News website recently, one article in particular leapt out and grabbed my attention. It seems that Father Gabriel Funes, the director of the Vatican Observatory, made a statement in the official Vatican …
I can see clearly now
I can’t remember when it began, but I had been noticing that the knuckleheads at City Hall were using street signs that cannot be read until you are right on top of the intersection. And homemade signs that advertised yard sales were mostly useless. Then, proving only that I am marginally smarter than a frog …
When ‘cool’ is not cool
Just as a reformed smoker is often the first person to complain about a hotel room that smells of tobacco, I shall now complain bitterly about today’s society misusing the word “cool.” “Cool”, as I understand and appreciate the word, originated from jazz music: the saxophone player doesn’t acknowledge the audience; he leans into his …
Who Are You Calling a Scaredy-Cat?
For a skeptic, I sure do scare easy. While I stand by the tenet that “extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof”, it really doesn’t take all that much to scare the living bejeebers out of me. I’m a nerd. Suspending my disbelief is a part of my genetic code. Look at horror movies. Most of us …
On ghouls and garages
The emo wreath of skulls and black flowers hanging off our front door says it all. Halloween is coming. Fortean times have arrived. The real boon of this holiday isn’t just about recycling those old black and orange wrapped toffee candies. (Speaking of which, someone should carbon-date those things. I’m pretty sure we’ve been communally …
Comics Can’t Take a Joke
There’s been a bit of drama going on in the comedy world I now live in. A certain headlining comic was caught red-handed (mouthed?) stealing material from two other comics. Both jokes were told on stage word-for-word, so there’s absolutely no doubt that this was a case of parallel thought. Different comics coming up with …
Speaking Truth to James Cameron
I’ve been hiding from most people these days. Not from the usual retreat into my hermitage as I’m generally wont to do – oh no. I’ve become somewhat of a pariah. Here’s the thing – I didn’t like Avatar. Maybe you’ve heard of it? From the man that gave us the 90’s cutting edge Terminator …
How could you ever thank me?
I have a tip, that is going to change your life. It is a game changer, it is revolutionary, you will wonder how you survived without knowing this, this …—what shall we call it from here on? … oh yes—tip. How much this tip will improve your life is not in question – profoundly, I …
The Tics of Our Clocks
Recently, I came across something particularly interesting while engaged in my usual morning “Face-stalking”. For those not familiar with the term, it refers to one using a highly popular social networking site to catch up on the various goings-on of their friends, by reading their status updates, without having actually to bother calling them. Handy …
Cleaning out my desk …
It’s time for Spring Cleaning. But what is a guy to do, when he isn’t a pack rat and he keeps his few belongings well-organized? Well, everybody has that one place that is overstuffed with stuff. Consider it a “pressure release valve” if you will, since our consumer society forces stuff into our lives even …
The Blahs Get a Good Exorcise
Man, could I ever have used a Rendezvous this year. The past month was a particularly dark sinkhole of a time for yours truly, and unfortunately these flatlanders in the town they call “Toon”, only seem to get together and celebrate when the Riders are on the field. I’m not sure exactly how February got …
Arizona is lovely this time of the year
By the time you read this, I will sitting on my brother’s back deck where it is 40 degrees in the shade. My fiancé and I are heading to Arizona to tie the knot in his back yard as he and his wife stand up for us, and my niece officiates. And I know the …
I conclude that socks and sandals are fashionable …
It’s a walking, talking paradox … well, mostly it’s a walking paradox: If wearing socks with sandals is so wrong, why do so many of us do it? I like to think it’s because we Yukoners are soooo polite. If our tourists do it, whether it be from poor blood circulation, leaving them with cold …
I conclude that socks and sandals are fashionable … Read More »
E.T. Wants Two Hours of His Life Back
The world’s biggest brainiac’s latest bombshell has got me thinking. Professor Stephen Hawking certainly piqued the interest of all tin-foil hat wearers across the globe by suggesting that a visit from alien space farers would land us in a heap of space pirate trouble, rather than a peaceful hand-shaking photo-op in front of the UN. …
Makes Sense Tomorrow
I like to think I’m a gentler, kinder sort of atheist. In my two years out of the territory, I took a lot of time to really think about the line I drew in the religious sand. I was pleasantly surprised to find how much my views have changed. In some parts you could say …
Yukon: No Star-Whackers Here
Has my gast ever been flabbered! Trolling through Randy Quaid’s IMDB (Internet Movie Database) listing, I was shocked to discover that someone already had the incredible foresight to green light “Christmas Vacation 2.” And I had had high hopes we were going to make that sequel here in Canada. For those of you who have …
Cheap Beer!
Now that we have your attention . . . . Let’s pretend that you, our readers, wrote us letters. We imagine one of them would go like this: Dear Beer Cache, I’ve been reading your article for months now, and gee, it’s just wonderful! I never miss an article. What a great addition you are …
No Round of Resolutions for Me
Before I seem like more of a curmudgeon than I actually am, allow me to state right off the bat: I’m not against New Year’s resolutions. I just know they ain’t for me. Not that you should necessarily follow my track, lying on the couch in a turkey-induced coma. I just know that as we …
Our twins, closer to the sun
The atmosphere contains sufficient quantities of oxygen, but very little moisture. It is amazing that anything can grow here. The vegetation is as fantastical as anything I have seen on any other planet, with spears protruding from many of the varieties. Comically strange creatures scurry from plant to plant, hugging the parched ground. Meanwhile, although …
My Nostalgia Train Just Derailed
You usually have two choices with your past: you can let it either haunt or inform you. Certainly one choice is likely healthier, perhaps nobler than the other, as we all progress to becoming happy, balanced individuals. Upon much reflection on the subject of my past, I’ve been examining both angles, worrying on the same …
Meat, My Friend, Bessie
My name is Anthony, and I love meat. This past holiday season I was granted a Christmas miracle: a miracle of the meaty kind. Some friends and I were pulling into Edmonton from a stand-up comedy gig in High Level, Alberta. For those geographically challenged, that’s an eight-hour drive, straight up, pretty much scraping the …
What Per Cent Civility?
Well, talk about putting the civil back into civil disobedience. Most of you have probably heard the recent hoopla out of Parliament Hill. During the particularly ceremony-heavy Throne Speech, a page walked out into the middle of the floor and, in full view of the cameras and stunned costumed oldsters, she produced a red octagonal …
Click Here To Protest
Once again the internets were all abuzz last month about the rise of “Fox News North”. My Facebook feed was riddled with urgent cries to take action against the rise of, and I quote: “American-style hate media onto our airwaves.” This has already come ’round before, but maybe with Hockey Day in Canada and the …
No Klatch Required
“I think we should take a break.” When slapped together, those can be the most dreaded words in the English language. And so, it was with an appropriately heavy heart that I had to say this phrase to my morning coffee. Some might say I looked a fool, with tears in my eyes, cradling the …
Greetings, Fellow Sinners!
By the time you read this, The Rapture might have just happened. It was floating around the internets recently – a fundamentalist Christian group in the States (oh, really?) declared that May 21 would be the date that God calls in all markers. Judgment Day. Armageddon. The Great Big Check-out. You know how it goes. …
TV Devolution
I’m starting to think the doomsayers are right – perhaps the end is nigh. A chance flicking around the tube this past weekend landed me onto the mind-blowingly ridiculous NBC’s Dateline: “The Perils of Parenting”. Dateline in itself is usually good for a laugh as they regularly show a feature called: “What Would You Do?” …
Beer Trivia
Delight your friends and family with a couple of beer-themed tidbits this week, or just look incredibly smart while getting your growler filled. The world’s oldest recipe? Yeah, it’s for beer. Despite popular opinion, Guinness in not a meal in a glass: It is one of the lowest calorie non-light beers, coming in at 125 …
Professional Thumbs
The year is 1985. A young Anthony sits crossed-legged in front of the television. The flickering images flashing across his eyes barely register in his stunned mind. Leonard Maltin just gave Ghostbusters a bad review. Indeed, this is a story of great trauma from my childhood. A highly-positioned critic just pooped on what I, as …
Bells for Bert and Ernie?
Recently, there’s been talk in the media concerning an online petition asking the Sesame Street producers to let Ernie and Bert marry each other. Apparently a few hundred quixotic slacktivists agreed, and “signed” this online petition. Yep. You heard me. The reasoning is that having these two Muppets marry would teach kids tolerance, in a …
A Condition of Kings
When it’s your turn to step up and spin the wheel of old man diseases, “gout” ain’t that bad a spot for it to land on. See, I woke up some time ago, to my foot suddenly deciding it didn’t want to be walked on. Either I was kicking footballs all night in my sleep, …
Tract-Laden Talkers at the Door
Unlike most folks, I have no problem with people trying to convert me. Maybe those intrepid door-knockers are constantly catching me when I’m in a good mood (and not just freshly out of the shower). But even at my crankiest possible, I can still be human enough to be nice to tract-laden people who knock …
Back in the Saddle. Thanks for Keeping It Warm
I’m sitting in a DJ booth, bopping my head along to Modern English. It’s hard not to think about how easy it is to slot right back into Northern life. In most ways it feels like I never left, and other than the tragic absence of the Colonel and a lack of a Blizzard repository, …
Q: What’s Worse Than Dog Poop? A: Old Dog Poop
Every spring, we all have certain things we fervently look forward to. It could be the continued sublimation of those stubborn piles of snow, the longer light in the evening sky or the exuberant sight of the croci poking out of the ground. Personally, I’m pretty happy with just staying above zero during the day …
