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Wasting Away in Geezerville

P1-2019-07-24-KenBolton-GV-CoffinMaking2.jpg

Issue: 2019-08-21, PHOTO: Pixabay

I recently wrote about my new vocation as a DIY coffin maker. OK, strictly speaking it’s not a coffin. It’s a casket. On a draped bier. Read more

Humour

P1-2019-07-10-KenBolton-GV-CoffinMaking.jpg

Issue: 2019-08-14, PHOTO: Pixabay

Things sometimes turn on a dime. Recently, with only three days’ notice, my summer job as a kiddie-train engineer suddenly vanished in a puff of steam-engine smoke. I won’t dwell on the details, except to say I was disappointed. Read more

Humour

P1-2019-06-12-KenBolton-GV-SquirrelChauffeur.jpg

Issue-2019-07-10, PHOTO: Pixabay

They say the fastest land mammal of all is the cheetah, capable of running as fast as 120 km/h without breaking a sweat. But “they” are wrong. Read more

Humour

P1-2019-06-05-KenBolton-GV-BellyButtons.jpg

Issue: 2019-07-03, PHOTO: Pixabay

Opinions are like belly buttons. Everybody has one. Except Adam and Eve, reportedly. Even a casual glance at Facebook, Twitter, or similar social media platforms confirms a disturbing fact: opinions are actually far more numerous than belly buttons. Read more

Humour

P1-2019-04-17-KenBolton-GV-PsandQsAgain.jpg

Issue: 2019-06-26, PHOTO: Danny Macdonald

The last entry in this space provided a platform for a more-or-less true tale of undeserved punishment recalled (and still resented) from the mists of time. Read more

Humour

P1-2019-04-17-KenBolton-GV-PsandQs.jpg

Issue: 2019-06-05, PHOTO: Pixabay

Anyone who has ever worked in a printing shop, or who has helped teach a youngster learn how to print the alphabet, knows the importance of minding your Ps and Qs. And your Bs and Ds, for that matter... Read more

Humour

P1-2019-04-17-KenBolton-GV-CanoeTrip-C473 - Copy.jpg

Issue: 2019-05-29, PHOTO: mvipond / everystockphoto.com

I was 12 years old in 1955 when my oldest brother, Robin, went away to university. As siblings in a close-knit family, we had shared many delightful (and less-than) hours around the dinner table. But the six-year difference in our ages meant we... Read more

Humour

P1-2019-02-13-KenBolton-GV-SnowShovels.jpg

Issue: 2019-03-13, PHOTO: Pixabay

The allure of even a well-crafted, lightweight shovel begins to pale after days upon numberless days of snow upon snow upon snow. There is wisdom in the old saw that everybody likes to complain about the weather, but nobody does anything about it... Read more

Humour

P1-2019-01-17-KenBolton-GV-SeedDreams-C469.jpg

Issue: 2019-02-06, PHOTO: Pixabay

Beyond the windows of my study/greenhouse, the temperature is still in deficit mode and falling. Another skiff of snow arrived overnight—the dry, fat, fluffy kind I have no trouble ignoring. It will either blow away, or it will not. It doesn’t... Read more

Humour

P1-2018-12-19-KenBolton-GV-Panto - Copy.jpg

Issue: 2018-12-19, PHOTO: Pixabay

The time-honoured English tradition of the Christmas pantomime (known affectionately as just “panto”) was not part of my childhood. My British father did grow up attending pantos, before going on to become an usher in post-Victorian music halls... Read more

Humour

P1-2018-11-14-KenBolton-GV-WinterTires.jpg

Issue: 2018-12-05, PHOTO: Pixabay

Every now and then, a fella happens to hit the sweet spot, even if it is more by good luck than good management. I rest my case on a recent example. Early in the week, I casually mentioned to “Herself” that it was time to consider remounting the... Read more

Humour

P1-2018-10-19-KenBolton-GV-GreenJeans.jpg

Issue: 2018-11-07, PHOTO: Pixabay

It’s official. Apart from a few hardy species that relish cold weather for some absurd reason, backyard garden 2018 has now been decommissioned. Several less-hardy species—tomatoes, peppers, et alia—clung valiantly to life in their wheeled, rodent... Read more

Humour

SUB-2018-09-11-KenBolton-GV-Befuddled-DannyMacdonald.jpg

Issue: 2018-10-31, PHOTO: Danny Macdonald

It’s confession time in Geezerville. I recently spent my allotted 450 words in this space musing about some of the beguiling delights to be found in the “be” section of the dictionary. Read more

Humour

SUB-2018-09-11-KenBolton-GV-Befuddled-DannyMacdonald.jpg

Issue: 2018-10-17, PHOTO: Danny Macdonald

To be, or not to be. For advocates of plain writing, Shakespeare’s most famous monologue is a touchstone. Its opening sentence consists of nine one-syllable words in a row, followed by one containing just two (depending on whether one reads... Read more

Humour

P1-2018-09-11-KenBolton-GV-OpenMouth2.jpg

Issue: 2018-10-03, PHOTO: Pixabay

I’ve already mentioned how easy it was to provoke calls on my radio open-line show in Charlottetown in the 1970s, by inviting listeners to share either recipes or gardening tips. One desperate morning, I stumbled across a topic that lit up the... Read more

Humour

P1-2018-09-05-KenBolton-GV-AdvisetotheUnwise.jpg

Issue: 2018-09-05, PHOTO: Pixabay

One of the more interesting jobs I’ve ever held was hosting an open-line show (we secretly called it “open-mouth”) on a private radio station in Charlottetown, PEI. Unlike some parts of Canada—especially B.C., with its tradition of brash (often... Read more

Humour

P2-2018-01-29-KenBolton-GV-Change of Life.jpeg

Issue: 2018-03-28, PHOTO: Pixabay

A few days from now, I will undergo a frightening transition from this life to another. Please don’t misunderstand. As far as I know, I’m not about to kick the bucket, cash in my chips, turn toes-up, shuffle off the coil, turn in my Bingo dabbers... Read more

Humour

P1-2018-02-12-KenBolton-GV-ValentinesChangeUp.jpeg

Issue: 2018-02-28, PHOTO: Robert Couse-Baker on Foter.com

I need a little help here, folks. Valentine’s Day has already come and gone, but it’s left me in a bit of a quandary. This isn’t an event Herself and I normally celebrate with a lot of folderol and fiddle-dee-dee. A nice card, a special hug, a... Read more

Humour

P1-2017-11-15-KenBolton-Geezerville-ArtoftheInsult (copy).jpeg

Issue: 2018-02-07, PHOTO: Pixaby

We all know nostalgia ain’t what it used to be. My concern is that the noble art of the insult is also on the skids these days. When I was a kid, one of the worst taunts you could throw at someone was, “Ah, your mother wears army boots.” Stupid... Read more

Humour

P1-2017-03-01-KenBolton-Geezerville-NickelWatch-pixaby.jpeg

Issue: 2018-01-17, PHOTO: Pixabay

In the hyper-sensitive world of childhood, an ill-chosen word can sometimes have a devastating impact, even if no harm is intended. I’m not talking about the kind of taunting, bullying talk that was unfortunately common on the playgrounds of my... Read more

Humour