To the Editor,
Hookey, you fiendish, fiendly fiend. Like an anarchic CBC host maliciously injecting a noxious ear worm such as Seasons in the Sun into my auditory canal, you have wantonly invaded my gustatory system with the ineluctable memory of MacIntosh Toffee.
Have you no regard for the fact that early addiction to this ambrosial confection is the principal reason I now must conduct thrice-daily readings of my blood-glucose levels? (not to mention my now-permanent reliance on store-bought implements of mastication).
In the latter regard, I was shocked by your neglect of the single most important social and economic function of MacIntosh Toffee – to hasten the arrival of the Tooth Fairy for the benefit of millions of youngsters in dire need of an immediate dime with which to purchase the latest installment of the adventures of Archie, Betty & Veronica.
How early we learned to disdain the string-and-doorknob variety of juvenile dentistry – a poor substitute, indeed, for the timely and judicious application of a mouthful of the brown, gooey wonder whose seeming demise we now stand united in mourning!
While I otherwise applaud your keenly observed and brilliantly executed essay marking this dark moment in human history, I urge you to reflect on this careless oversight.