An Open Letter to the Owner Of Twenty Rusted Nails

Dear Sir/Madame;

It has come to my attention that you may have lost these (see photo). They were left in a fire pit sometime over the winter, which was installed in the parking lot of the Schwatka Lake Day Use Area, directly adjacent from the sign that reads “NO FIRES AT ANYTIME.”

Clearly, you left these, as well as some twenty-odd jagged, rusted and blackened nails, behind by mistake, perhaps during a successful ice-fishing after party. You are probably sorely missing them.

It would be a terrible shame if they were to be misplaced – or worse, stolen. I am sure a number of people/pets/tire treads have thoughtlessly carried some of these items away already and are unlikely to ever to return them to you.

Additionally, you and several other persons seem to be missing a host of exceedingly beautiful and useful items, including:

  • several dozen paper cups, particularly from Subway, Tim Hortons and McDonalds;
  • candy wrappers, take-out containers and six-pack holders;
  • beer cans, particular Bud and Kokanee;
  • several glass liquor bottles broken into tiny, jagged shards; and
  • one used condom caught delicately in the cusp of an out-blown fireweed.

If you are missing these or any other items, please feel free to contact me and I will gladly take you down to the day-use area to help you locate them.

Additionally, one of my fingers has an urgent message to deliver to you regarding your most pitiable circumstances, which I feel should be delivered without delay.

Please hurry, as I am certain people are descending even now upon your lost treasures and praising their good fortune to have such a neighbour and fellow Yukoner as yourself.

Thank you, with haste,

L. Garrison, avid angler

PS: I did not catch any ice-out pike as I had hoped, but I did see several more beer bottles and a can of ravioli, which appears to have been unopened.

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