Recently, there’s been talk in the media concerning an online petition asking the Sesame Street producers to let Ernie and Bert marry each other. Apparently a few hundred quixotic slacktivists agreed, and “signed” this online petition.

Yep. You heard me.

The reasoning is that having these two Muppets marry would teach kids tolerance, in a television world pretty bereft of LGBT role models.

I agree; there are not a lot of strong gay characters on TV, but perhaps forcing inanimate objects to own up to their perceived sexuality isn’t the way to go.

But what do I know? I’m a just straight white male human. What would a guy like me, the most boring demographic around, know about the civil union potential of chunks of felt?

Maybe putting a couple of asexual puppets through a shotgun marriage is exactly what’s needed here. It’s not like we need to ask them.

Bert and Ernie’s personal wishes and orientations aside, obviously two guys living together for so long must be gay. Perfect sense. And if two gay guys are living together, well, naturally they should be hitched!

(Based on this – I’m totally re-watching The Odd Couple. That’s some juicy subtext!)

And once we’ve managed to get those plush pals’ beds finally pushed together, maybe this new moral majority (pun intended) can start making the rest of our childhood memories claim their long overdue sexual responsibilities.

Let’s be honest. It’s way past time we saw some sort of official inter-species union between Kermit and Miss Piggy. Thirty years without popping the question? We better get in there stat! We could get The Count to perform the ceremony. I’m pretty sure he’s royalty.

And what a mess those unregulated Smurfs have made! All those little blue dudes running around together. Those mushroom houses are obviously harbouring one big gay polygamist commune, right? Cause let’s be honest: Smurfette = One Big Beard.

Now that I’m really thinking about it, my childhood is awash in animated characters just begging to be forced into domestic bliss! Better roll out, Optimus, you may be next! Run, Care Bears! Head for the hills, G-Force!

Wait a sec, Barbapapas, I’m pretty sure you guys are already married. Though if we did divorce them, we could have some of those positive amorphous blob single mom/dad divorcee roles the kids have been craving!

See, I’m getting the hang of this.

Cause it really is about the kids – right?

Phew. That was a lotta sarcasm for me to choke through.

It just caught me off guard how ridiculous this whole thing is.

This was the most ill-thought out campaign I’ve ever seen. Just because the internet allows you to politicize anything, doesn’t mean you have to. If you are actually someone who would sign a national call to action to force puppets to marry, I honestly question your sanity.

When Sesame Street tackles serious issues, they let the actual human beings lead. The Muppets are the child-like figures that react to these scenarios, allowing children to live vicariously through cutesy puppets. Learning opportunities, letters and numbers abound! This is the Sesame Street formula.

If any of these lazy online pollsters took a second to think using their non-felt brains, they might have thought up an online petition that called on Sesame Street to introduce real, live LGBT people. This would have been an actual cause.

If you’re still hankering for some forced marriage patsies, go bother Archie! After 50 years of leaving Betty and Veronica flapping in the wind, he’s due.