You have a problem. Through no fault of your own you have acquired a “Guy.”
This is to say a human male and not a “guy” in the old sense of the word (which, for those of you who don’t know, would be an effigy of noted explosives enthusiast Guy Fawkes).
Your Guy could be your lover, your friend, your brother or your dad. Some Guys are even girls (not in that way… well, sometimes in that way).
Occasionally you will need to buy your Guy a gift. Fear not, loyal reader, I have provided a list of things your Guy might like. These gifts start at $100 and end at free.
Some price levels even have two options, because each Guy is such a speshul wittle snowfwake.
One Hundred Dollars
Option One: Scotch.
A good bottle of scotch. For the Guy in your life whose budget means that the difference between the $15 bottle of ditchwater and the $20 bottle of Eau de Ditch requires serious fiscal calculation. Buy him one of these and he will temporarily love you — until the bottle is empty.
Option Two: NHL custom practice jersey
Did your Guy eat his Leafs jersey after game seven in Boston? They’re dumb that way sometimes. The NHL online shop will sell you a customized practice jersey for only $89.99. You could get a game-jersey, but they retail for $250 plus. Besides, with the practice jersey, your Guy can simulate the Leafs practising how to hold a 3-goal lead with ten minutes left in the third period.
Option One: Two or three video games from the bargain bin
This one requires a little research, and some knowledge about your Guy. First, beware the Bargain Bin, for it is a harsh mistress — deep and full of crap. Second, know what games your Guy has played. So many titles come out each year that often Guys will not have had time to play all the good ones. Some games that will be in $15-$20 bin at the Wal-Mart or EB Games (personally vetted for quality) are Fallout 3, Fallout: New Vegas, Bioshock, Grand Theft Auto IV or Burnout: Paradise. When in doubt, look at old reviews online (ign.com is a good source) and in general, avoid anything based on a movie license.
Option Two: A Gift Card
If your Guy complains that a gift card is too impersonal, he is defective and you should return him immediately. Most of the gifts on this list are about getting your Guy something he wouldn’t get for himself. A gift card says, “I know you like things in the general category offered by this store. Here is free money. Buy something nice.”
Option One: A Good Read, or Two.
Odds are that your Guy is semi-literate. Like video games, buying a book requires some in-depth knowledge about your Guy. Although if your Guy enjoys fantasy novels — and a certain black despair about the human condition — the Game of Thrones series comes highly recommended.
Option Two: Lunch
The best things in life are free, and this is never more true than when someone else is paying for them. When your Guy is facing down another bag lunch, he will be thrilled when you swing by and whisk him off to exotic Pizza Hut or (insert Whitehorse restaurant here).
For like, four bucks, you can get a big brick of chocolate at Extra Foods. Bring him one, and your Guy will thank you.
This one is easy. Compliments. Tell your Guy he’s pretty cool, or swell or neat. This is the real function of the gifts in the list above anyway — a way to say, “Hey, I thought of you.” But these gifts are best saved for a friend, not just that guy at Baked.