Cat-oral Defence

Huh? What? Oh, it’s you. Good morning.

Excuse me while I stretch and yawn. I had a long night last night and didn’t get very much sleep. I must have gotten only about 10 hours max.

My person kept moving around and making noise. And now the mice are out roaming the counters. I suppose that’s partially my fault though, considering I’m laying here talking to you.

Then again, you’re the one who asked for this interview, so I guess I could potentially blame you.

Owner? I have no such thing! What a horrible thing to say. Nobody owns me. If anyone is in charge around here, it would be me.

What? No. I am not high maintenance. I just like satin pillows to sleep on and caviar for breakfast. Having my litter box cleaned out is a necessity for every indoor cat.

I seriously doubt that. My person is a fine young woman; she’d never neglect me. Why, I even curl up in her lap once in awhile.

Are you referring to this brown stick in my paw? Yes, it’s a cigar, you moron. I’ve been smoking since I could see. I seriously doubt there are any complications like that. Cats have been smoking for millions of years and I’ve never heard of a death due to smoking.

How dare you call me a snob. I am no such thing. In fact, I quite enjoy the simple things in life – sun bathing, my person’s comfy lap, silk … it is so. Silk is very simple. It’s soft and comfortable, that’s simple.

Let’s get on with the questions; I’m starting to fall asleep.

Good question. I’ve only used one of my lives. It’s a rather interesting story, but we won’t get into that today.

I think you must be going mad. No cat would ever do such a thing, especially not me. Jumping at a bird when it’s on the other side of the window? Why, it’s ludicrous to even think such a thing.

Global warming is an unfortunate occurrence, but you people are doing it to yourselves. I certainly don’t hold any sympathy for you; I just look to the bright side of it all; I won’t have to worry about being cold anymore. I’m not cold-hearted …

You humans are just astute.

Would you like my personal or professional opinion? Personally, hunting mice is overrated. Professionally, we need them to survive.

Our people aren’t always home to put food out for us when we run out. It’s in every cat’s good interests to keep a couple extra live mice around for occasions such as that.

I use it to unwind at the end of a long day. It grows naturally, so I don’t even understand why it’s illegal. The way I see it is, if we weren’t supposed to have catnip, God wouldn’t have planted it.

My hobbies include catnaps, playing with string and laying in my person’s lap while she scratches me behind the ears. I also enjoy playing with the mice I catch just before I eat them.

My perfect date would begin with a romantic dinner of sardines and cream. Followed by a walk on the beach and ending with our tails entwined while we sat on the warm sand and watched the last rays of the sun melt away into the distance.

Finished already? That really flew by fast. Can I offer you a drink? Perhaps a saucer of cream. There’s a story I would like to tell you before you go, but I would like it kept off the record.

It started out as a gorgeous day, minus the fact that I was starving …

For some reason, Whiskas just weren’t doing anything for me, so I decided to head outside and go for a walk in hopes of catching a mouse or even a bird.

What ended up happening was something far beyond my imagination …

Over on the fence was a beautiful little chickadee. I’m certain she noticed me before I even knew she existed, but that didn’t matter because I knew she was what I had been craving.

Not wanting to startle her, I moved into the shade of a nearby tree to conceal my presence. Carefully and quietly, I began walking toward her. The sun glistened off of her gorgeous, black-feather cap.

Just as I’m reaching out to her with my sharpened claws, she jumps up to fly away. And then something that neither of us expected happens: when she jumped, my outstretched paw became hooked on her foot, causing both to dive headfirst toward the ground.

Needless to say, when I’d finished my meal I decided that, when preying on birds, it is best to choose the ones on the ground.

All finished your cream? You hardly touched it.

It was wonderful meeting you. Please … won’t you come again soon?

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