E.T. Wants Two Hours of His Life Back

The world’s biggest brainiac’s latest bombshell has got me thinking.

Professor Stephen Hawking certainly piqued the interest of all tin-foil hat wearers across the globe by suggesting that a visit from alien space farers would land us in a heap of space pirate trouble, rather than a peaceful hand-shaking photo-op in front of the UN.

In his latest documentary television series, he states, “If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America.”

First of all, it seems strange to me that the guy, who can casually wrap his head around theoretical cosmology and quantum gravity, is suddenly acting like a bit of a space wimp. Does he already know something we don’t? Is the space nerd worried about space bullies?

I can’t say I’m too worried about resource-hungry aliens. I always knew Starship Troopers was more of a training video than anything else. Plus, I’m pretty sure the United States keeps Will Smith on stand-by in case of a space emergency.

(Don’t worry Canada, we have Michael Ironside.)

Secondly, I think it’s a little too late to be worrying about bothering any cosmic neighbours. Radio and television signals from our planet have been radiating out in the cosmos for so long now, if there were any advanced beings out there, they may already have received a message or two.

From the Voyager and Pioneer satellites, which are already zipping outside of our solar system, to the S.E.T.I. institute and not to mention the years of constant radio and television signals, if anyone’s listening, Earth’s a pretty noisy cosmic neighbour.

I’d say it’s a “two steps forward, one step back” kind of situation, as we bombard our solar system with open-armed greetings, at the same time as we beam out episodes of Two and a Half Men.

Besides, unfortunately for Hawking, I’m pretty sure we already threw down the gauntlet a while ago. On Dec. 12, 2008, Twentieth Century Fox transmitted the first motion picture into deep space, making the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Stillthe world’s first galactic motion picture release.

Yes, someone had the bright idea to assault the universe with a Keanu Reeves movie.

If those aliens weren’t ticked off before …

Why couldn’t it have been Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey?

According to Fox eggheads, any civilizations currently orbiting Alpha Centauri (about 4.7 light years away) will be able to receive and view the film approximately two years from now in (drum roll please) the year 2012.

Yep – that 2012. End of the Mayan calendar and all that jazz.

Coincidence? Mayyyyybe.

Or it means we have two years to train on our Pulse Rifles and get used to co-ed showers.

All this alien hoopla just shows how little prepared we are for such an invasion. If Hawking is getting worried, then maybe we should be getting ready.

Our first step is to get people in place, who would be able to best serve our world when the E.T.’s start firing up their death-rays.

Stephen Hawking might be a little too late with his warning, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be prepared.

This whole column is my official plea, to the residents of Canada, to ensure the safety of our nation, now more than ever, we need William Shatner for Governor General.

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