My name is Chris. I am an Ontarian

It’s not easy being a member of a minority group in the Yukon. I suffer regular incidents of discrimination where jokes and insults are made at my expense. I am denied jobs, wealth, prestige and power all due to my ethnic heritage.  

Many others who share my race suffer the same fate, but we persevere. We understand that we are different. We are from Ontario.

The Yukon boasts a large population of ethnic Ontarians, though it is often difficult to distinguish them from the Common Yukoner. By being able to properly identify People from Ontario, you will learn more about our proud an ancient culture and grow to appreciate our unique contributions to humanity.

People from Ontario do not drive pick-up trucks. We prefer sedans or SUVs which work very

well for us seeing as we do not hunt or gather our own firewood.  Often we have oblong roof-rack on our vehicles and you can sometimes see us parked in groups by the gym where we gather to ride stationary bicycles and drink protein beverages.

Our national sport is the Stairmaster.

During rush hour we slow traffic down on purpose to cause congestion. Often we will drive extremely close to the person in front of us because we feel safer in vehicle gridlock. It was People from Ontario who lobbied the City of Whitehorse to install the new traffic circles. People from Ontario avoid Tim Hortons. Many of us remember the days when all you could buy at Tim Hortons was coffee, donuts and cigarettes. The multi-grain bagels and 5 choices of soup often confuse us and we become disoriented. If this happens we go to the Olive Bar in Superstore to feel grounded.

People from Ontario don’t understand curling though we can relate somewhat to the notion of a sport that requires a bar as mandatory equipment — such as lawn bowling. The moment we discover enough lawn, we will start a club and have our own version of bonspiels where we go crazy and sometimes bowl as late as 10 p.m.

Then there is the Ontario accent. The fact that People from Ontario talk differently is based more on vocabulary than actual accent. We say “you” instead of “youse guys” and “c’mon” instead of “give ‘er”. People from Ontario also use unique grammatical phrases such as “I shall” which means the same as “I’m gunna”.

The current Yukon Party government is trying to limit the number of People from Ontario who immigrate to the Yukon every year. As many People from Ontario are too self-absorbed to reproduce, we rely on this influx of newcomers every year to maintain our breeding stocks. Without fresh immigrants every year, our population will decrease to dangerous levels thereby raising gym membership fees for other Yukoners.

Please help protect People from Ontario. We are your friends, your neighbours, the people who complain about waterfront development. All we ask is for understanding.

Ed. Note: What’s Up Yukon is an equal opportunity employer.

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