A dream I’ve held since childhood has been quashed.

It’s with much regret that I must inform all of you that my letter of interest to join the Paranormal Saskatoon research group has gone unanswered.

It’s been three weeks since I sent off the e-mail.

“Hello, I just heard your group’s interview on CBC, and I checked out your website. I would be greatly interested in joining the group and taking an active part in the investigations.

I’ve had a fascination with the paranormal since I was young and growing up. While I’ve leaned toward a skeptical view on the subject these days – the fascination has never wavered.”

I thought I was being pretty honest there. I don’t necessarily not believe in paranormal phenomena, I just need my evidence to come in a pretty concrete format. I figured scepticism would be a good trait to add to the Scooby gang.

“I have no scientific capacity whatsoever,” my e-mail continued.

Important to say I thought. I don’t want to be out in the field, sitting in the attic of a spooky house, looking at the readouts from a doohickey I don’t know how to use. At least the Ghostbusters had thingees that made noises and lit up when ghosts were near. Now that sort of equipment, I can handle.

“However, I can operate sound gear,” I informed them.

Now I’m even taking it a step further by committing to take on one of the less glamorous gigs. I want to make it clear I’m not into paranormal investigation for the glory, oh no. I’m not doing this for the fame and power we usually associate with ghost hunters.

Not to mention the fact that the sound dude is almost always likely to be the first guy picked off in a horror movie. See – I’m willing to take a bullet.

My honest application continues.

“I think I’d like to see a ghost.”

Now, let me clarify. By “see a ghost”, I mean, “see a perfectly formed vision of what I would expect a spectral presence to be, in as comfortable of a situation as possible so that I don’t freak out too much. Then I can marvel about the implications and science after, in an even more comfortable situation. With Scotch.”

I don’t usually go out of my way to look for things to scare the living ding-dongs out of me, so wouldn’t that count for some sort of honest commitment. I mean, I really like my ding-dongs where they are.

Plus, I’m willing to change my entire worldview on life, the universe and everything. I can only assume you can watch so many moaning floaty blobs before you start questioning your belief system.

I think that’s my strongest reasoning there. Especially once you start thinking about your own afterlife. If ghosts exist, than there’s a possibility I might end up as one.

Then of course, I’d end up as one of the ones that opens and closes your cupboards, things like that. Now isn’t that a thrilling afterlife to look forward to. An eternity of making people lose their keys.

“So thanks for your consideration, and may your streams never cross!”

I really thought they’d get a kick out of the reference.

My empty inbox says otherwise.

I bet UFO Yukon wouldn’t treat me like this.