We Heart America: A birthday letter

Happy birthday, America. We love you, we really do.

In honour of your special day, a bunch of us got together and started talking about what we really like about you. I know you’re still a little sensitive about Gitmo, and all that trouble with Wall Street, but everyone’s practically forgotten that.

Turns out all anyone really cares about is Portland, anyway. We just love those bike lanes and food carts. You make it look so easy.

And New York City too, I suppose we wouldn’t want it to wash away in the Hudson River. Everyone just hearts NYC and now that Broadway has Doogie Howser as its new mascot, we heart it even more.

We wouldn’t want the In-N-Out burger to be washed away either. To be honest, I have never dined at this popular west coast burger chain, so I had to do a little online research. It turns out that the only thing you need to win over the hearts of the people, besides an unsolicited endorsement from Gordon Ramsay, can be summed up in three little words: optional extra patties.

In-N-Out even has a burger called the Double Double! Just imagine a marriage of Tim Horton’s and In-N-Out: a Double Double-Double!

We love your booze and the candy too, America. More specifically, we love the fact that you can buy them in the same aisle of the grocery store.

So civilized. So time efficient.

We may joke about the beer, which trust me, does get old. But between the Peeps, the candy corn, and the gallons of vodka, we Canadians have a special affinity for Mr. Fred Meyer.

Speaking of grocery stores, if I had to put my money on a favourite, it would be Trader Joe’s, or, as I like to call it, the Other President’s Choice.

This California-based grocery chain is the cool older brother of Superstore, with graphic design so hip that buying their store brand products elevates you from lazy-consumer-of-prepared-foods to a member of the culinary and creative elite. What, six litres of white vinegar with a steampunk label? Yes, please!

All joking aside, America, what we really love is you. Not You the People, just you, the people. We find you friendly and forthright, sincere and straightforward.

My dad, who spends nearly half of each year in America, says you always know where you stand with Americans. Not like certain other North Americans whom I won’t identify by name, but who aren’t Mexicans and who won’t come right out and tell you what they think or who they’re talking about.

So have a beer on us, this Fourth of July, America. Go on down to Trader Joe’s and buy a whole case while you’re at it.

Just because you can.

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