Finally, you sinners have reached that one special moment of the year when I consider whether or not I will forgive you for making my life less than pleasant.
Anyone and everyone stands a chance as I have already forgiven the following in this annual feature: Stephen Harper, Paris Hilton, the English language, people who spit on the sidewalk, whoever invented the “L” sticker for student drivers and my publisher.
My publisher is on that list as I struggled to find a way to forgive her for not buying a second monitor for my computer. Alas, she did buy one for me last February and my life is so much simpler now: I can edit stories and answer e-mail while watching YouTube videos of people getting hit in the groin.
Thank you to everyone who wrote letters and phoned in support of my quest. That is sarcasm, because, of course, none of you wrote or phoned. Thank you again (sarcasm again).
Let’s get to it: I forgive Elisabeth Hasselbeck, of The View, for her constantly attacking Barack Obama. She has a unique talent for bringing Rev. Jeremiah Wright and William Ayers into any discussion.
But I forgive her because, well, our side won and, really, she was just following orders from the Republican Party … e-mailed to her every morning I am sure.
Next is Yukon Energy. They need my forgiveness because of all of the power outages and, oh what fun, the power spikes when the electricity comes back on.
This is a company that does one thing and one thing only: makes electricity. Running out of electricity is much like Dairy Queen running out of ice cream.
But you know how they say, “It ain’t rocket science”? Well, making electricity pretty much is. There are a lot of moving parts between the Yukon River and the electrical outlet this computer is hooked up to; and to expect them to work perfectly day in and day out is pretty much like hoping for a miracle.
Can I do better? Nope. So I shall forgive and then shut up.
And, let’s face it, that new power supply and hard drive I had to buy for my computer is a tax write off that I will very much appreciate in a few months.
It might finally be time to forgive this next person. It has been since August that I heard the news – August 22, as I recall – that Sandi Coleman was leaving us to fend for ourselves in the morning. In those first dark days, I wasn’t sure how I was going find that spring in my step as I lumbered out of bed each morning without her cheery voice wafting on 570 kilohertz of radio waves from the CBC studios.
Each person she interviewed was a new friend and I would delight in meeting them, too. Or, well, at least until the top of the hour when I switched over to CKRW’s local news.
Her voice always sounded like she was on the edge of a laugh. But no more. She crossed over to the dark side: television.
But, you know, that new guy is pretty easy to listen to. So, if it weren’t for Al Foster, I may not have been able to forgive Sandi.
Room enough to forgive one more person: Tim Kring, the creator and head writer of Heroes. These plots are more complicated than our airport’s parking lot. And nobody stays dead on the show. And they trade sides more often than an under-performing hockey star.
I keep thinking the show will become as good as it was in the first season, but it never does. But I forgive him because I have to … there is nothing else on when Survivor is between seasons and, well, ER has been limping to its last show for years now.
That’s enough for this year. I want those of you who have not been forgiven to have something to strive for.
See you next year.